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There is always a period of calmness after any storm. The rain suddenly stops, the wind becomes a gentle breeze and there is a small ray of light that peaks through the clouds.
If only life could be a similar forecast. No matter how many tears may fall, no matter how much a heart hurts, or no matter how much emotional effort is put into something, life shows no mercy. Futuristic hopes collide with the disappointments from the past. Dreams are shattered pieces of symbolic moments and broken promises. Darkness fills the empty holes of everything you once believed in. Reality salutes fantasy and there is nothing more to look forward to.
Life is full of obstacles and there are many roadblocks. Warning signs are not legible until it is too late. Whether it is a friend, family member or loved one that let you down, it still hurts the same. It is an in-describable feeling that burns through every layer of your heart. It smells like burnt skin that has been singed over an open fire. It leaves a sick feeling in your stomach a taste of fresh vomit in your mouth.
As I sit here in my hotel room I am filled with so many different emotions. Some are happy and some are excruciatingly painful. My eyes long to cry but no tears will fall. The unbearable ache inside of me is present but there is nothing visible on the outside. Tomorrow I have to depart from my happy place to try and conquer a former happy place. I have high hopes that both places will somehow merge. This journey has left me desperate for stability. I long for a peaceful surrender and soft-spoken amendments that could salvage what is on the verge of being permanently destroyed.
SO................................................
Tonight I will pray. Not just for myself but for those who have betrayed my trust. During my 35 years of living, I have loved and I have lost. I have lived and I will die someday. Whatever happens in between is up to God. Silence weeps as I pick up the pieces of my past. As much as I want to remain here, I understand that I have to go. However, I plan to return or have what I left return to me. Life is a double-edged sword and I will not let my life-line be cut at both ends. Life may show no mercy but I will show life no prisoners. I have been held captive by circumstance for many years and I am no longer a prisoner. I am no longer chained to a stone-cold rock and life is no longer my burden........
My visions are not an illusion. They are a reality that has been unwrapped by a truthful entity. The weight of immortality and the suction of the life that has been drained drop by drop from my body. Don't tell me I am over-reacting. Shut up and tell me what I want to hear if even for a moment. I am at your mercy although I do not long for forgiveness. My flesh feeds upon your touch and your touch feeds my insecurities, one helpless breath at a time. Like a baby's mouth to a mothers breast, I needed you to supply me with food. A love that was high in calories and a bond that was unbreakable. Yet here I am. Powerless to the memory but strengthened by the thought. I still carry the permanent tattoo of your chains but they are only skin-deep ink. My heart has had a quadruple-by-pass since you broke it and now it has a bullet-proof force field. The secret password to enter is "never-again. Trust has been revoked." Piranha's are going to attack your amends like a a great white shark to it's helpless victim floating in the deep blue sea. Access has been denied. Intruder!!!
Love fills me and hate disgusts me. You blind fool! You cannot ask me for heaven then reveal your devilish antics. Through the wind storms and the rainfalls, I WAS YOUR UMBRELLA. Now, I am your darkest cloud. When the thunder roars you should cover your ears and when the hail falls you should find your helmet of shame.
LIES and deceit have been your source of survival like a fictional persona'. A picture speaks a thousand words but a false introduction spoke a million past-patterns. blasphemy!!!
No longer do I dwell on disappointments or let-downs. Life has not forsaken me you were just a paper-doll version of a real man. Like father like son, like coward like lion. There is no justification for your actions......be a man, be a father, be something equivalent to what you claim to be for you cannot hide behind your good name forever. When the day of judgment arrives the files of your past will be requested. The taxes of hurting people will be due and the receipts will more than likely be shredded. Yet somehow the paperless words will be accounted for on a recorded history of past-patterns and mental abductions. Someday you will owe a written amount for Karma, and you will be forced into bankruptcy. Your credit score will be forever affected perhaps like the innocent souls you purposely sucked dry.
If the judge of un-seen righteousness would allow me to dig my nails into your flesh I would. Pinning you against the earth would be my deepest pleasure. For you would be at "MY" mercy asking for a hun-dreth chance to prove the goodness of your pathetic existence.
My teeth have finally bitten through the chains. My orthadonist has done wonders. As I spit out the tiny pieces of the fragmented metal, I spit on you. HOW could you hurt someone this way? How could you leave someone in the wilderness to fend for themselves. YOU BASTARD. You swallowed the key and expected me to be Whodini and magically find my way out of your Bermuda triangle of bullshit!!! Amazingly, I managed. As the chains slid off my body I felt like a butterfly from her cocoon. I yelled at the top of my lungs. "I am Free and f*ck you!!!' The Indian burns hurt but were a pleasurable scar that burned with a heroic sensation.
Breaking free from what seemed to be a hopeless scenario was a timely process but eventually it happened. I was no man's prisoner and no man is my keeper. Believing in myself was the key to moving forward. Love is not a ball and chain. The only ball is the one you choose to attend with a decoy prince charming. The chain is the rope that strangles your better judgment. Once I realized the constant friction of the fragmented silvers' rubbing against me, I suddenly realized the red marks that were left imprinted in my skin. Ouch!!!! I was no longer in search of a "matter of life and death" absolution. I was to the point of "breaking free." Once I was able to fly away, the weather somehow became clear the rain suddenly stopped falling...FOR love is not a conflict of interest. It is obviously a battle between the good and bad,angels and demons and right and wrong. Life is on a, "need to know basis," and I have found history's lost journals of all I need to know....
A fathers love for his daughter is unconditional. From the moment of birth there should be an ultimate bond that lasts a lifetime. However, every relationship is different. After thirty-five years, I have no other choice but to accept the truth. The truth that stung me like a bee, leaving an open wound that may never heal. Reality can be cruel and often painful. The five stages of grief will set in and strip everything that has been sugar-coated with deception. 1. Denial 2. anger 3. bargaining 4. depression 5. acceptance. The first four stages are the most difficult to surpass because there is no exact science to overcoming the inevitable. Healing takes time and time never stops. Manipulating the outcome is impossible although there have been many attempts on my end. I could be president of the United States, the top contestant on Jeopardy, or even Mother Theresa herself and in my fathers eye's that still wouldn't make the grade. It doesn't matter what I do and how I do it. Nothing will ever be good enough to keep my father's limited attention span on the positive nature of my existence. I'm a grown woman who understands how the world works and has been through more than the average bear. It isn't about receiving pity because in the end, only memories matter. I'm stronger and hardened, beyond wise with a lowered tolerance for habitual cruelty. If I come across as 'bitchy,' it's only because I am protecting my territory. That would be my heart. For those who have trespassed into my personal life, well that isn't my problem. Don't presume that everything you hear is true. I can guarantee that the stories have been altered and are in-accurate. No worries though because I'm in the process of writing the 'sequel.' My father had every right to re-marry and I was never against it. I am the most loving and good-hearted person you will ever meet except to those who are too busy judging me. The matter of the fact is that my father has written off his only blood child along with alienating my other two siblings,(according to a few reliable sources). Yet anything is repairable with hard work and commitment. Only death is permanent. Love is something pure and not something that is manufactured in a facility that processes brownie points. "I am not a girl scout!" I am someone's daughter. NOT ONCE did I ever make myself out to be perfect or flawless. I only make myself out to be the person that I truly am. Take it for what it's worth. Being disrespected is something I will not tolerate anymore. I demand to be respected. Respect is something earned and I have surpassed my sobriety point. Sadly, my voice will never be heard no matter how loud I scream or how high the volume is on my singing. It is a lost cause that can never be repaid. It is obvious that my father goes out of his way for his new adopted family even more so than he would for his divorced one. My stepmother told me to get therapy, however the suggestion is a pot calling a kettle black. Wait a gosh-darn stinkin' minute..."this dam blog is my therapy. I am a writer and dam good one." If people would just learn to shut their traps and listen to reason then maybe there wouldn't be this constant family feud. I was told that I almost ruined a child's life and that I abandoned my children. How absurd, rude and untrue. Like any person pinned in a corner, I retaliated with anger after being attacked from all angles. I am only human and handled what needed to be dealt with in the maturist manner possible. First and foremost. I am not someone to mess with because I have learned to take a stand for myself. Don't come at me with an attitude because mine is far more lethal but with a unique flare. I do believe in karma and that is why I am where I am now taking on the world one asshole at a time. If you put yourself there then I suggest you make amends and soon dammit! Putting people in their place and making them realize why they are there is going to be a challenge in itself. But for those who truly know me? knows I will get er' done. This blog is not some dramatic script from the Titanic, although I love that freakin' movie!!! It's the God awful truth I am writing and I am exercising my freedom of speech. If my father would only open his eyes, ears and heart, then maybe he would realize that his only daughter is not being difficult. His daughter is in desperate need of re-assurance for any form of love. It isn't a plea for justice, it's a daughter's cry for any sign of hope, that someday there will be an understanding of some sort, before it's too late. As God as my witness, the truth will be revealed-perhaps sooner than expected.
I woke up this morning wondering,"how did I end up here?" My mascara is smeared all over my white satin pillowcase and the pain is left in the creases of my face. There is an uneasy feeling, a shallow presence that fills the room. My eyes are halfway open as I glance over at the TV to see what program is on. Inhaling slowly, I yawn as I attempt to catch my breath.
The curtains are drawn and there is a thin ray of light casting shadows on the wall. Morning has a way of sneaking up on the night. It was a long night for me. I spent hours looking at old pictures and reading old letters from friends and loved ones. The pink lipstick stained the rim of the empty wine glass that was the party favor from my own pity party.
Glancing down at a pile of memories scattered on the floor, I notice one particular letter. I pick it up, unfold it and begin to read it. It said:
Once upon a heartache,
Should there ever come a time when I am reading my own written letter then I know I am alone. It has come to this. All my pain has surpassed anything that sparked any happiness in my life. I will never understand life and why things happen, but I accept what has happened. My mother is gone and will never witness me being happy. The vision, the dream of the two car garage, spacious square footage home, the kids playing in the yard, the husband fixing a flat bicycle tire, the dog pissing on the neighbors lawn and me making grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch has faded away into nothing. Perhaps someone else is living my life. Perhaps I have already lived it in another lifetime. Whatever the case may be, the present time is evidently miserable.
Longing for his embrace,
Angel of the morning
It was depressing to read such disenchanting thoughts. I have a way of expressing misery and it is disturbing at times. Maybe there will come a time when I will read a letter that expresses only joy. Sadly until that day comes, I will just have to pick and choose from a pile of notes that remind me of what I once had. It is until that moment that life, as I know it now, will be addressed as "once upon a heartache."
Life is without a doubt, unpredictable. It seems like only yesterday when I moved to Billings Montana and then to Powell, Wyoming. So much has happened and in so little time. I was watching the sunset a fews nights ago and it spoke to me. It said, "It's time to move on. This town is full of heartache and bad memories." However, there are also good memories that I will take with me. Becoming a journalist was just a thought about a year ago. I have established what I have was set out to do. A few weeks ago I went to my spot in the rims in Billings. Montana. I sat on a rock that was special to me. It's more like a tombstone that now holds an old significant meaning. It was this very rock that I cried, loved and claimed salvation. Everything in my life has led up to this very moment. With a pen in my hand I began to write in the empty journal I purchased on sale at Target. I asked God for a sign and wrote,"Bless the broken road." Having no idea what it meant, I began to write about my journey from Billings to Powell. I thought that I had everything planned out until my dreams came to a brutal halt in August 2009. Reality stopped me dead in my tracks I didn't know where to go. I remember starting college in August and it was the hardest decision I had to make. There was nothing left for me where I was living but something inside me told me to stay. Regardless of some setbacks, I continued on with my studies and managed to write for the college newspaper. That was just a stepping stone for me. Months later I launched my own websites and even claimed an article in a well-known woman's magazine, (TBA). While I maintained a 3.83, I also focused on my family. There were so many nights when I became homesick. It was hard not having any family and it was even more emotionally challenging without my kids. I may not mention them on public forums but that is because I like to keep my private life, private. My kids are my heart and soul. If anyone has anything else to say about that, well they can take a long walk off a short treadmill. Don't get me wrong, opinions are like a**holes. Everyone has them. Putting it in a delicate form, "don't come knocking on my door unless the facts are true and accurate." I don't feel that people are out to get me, I just feel misunderstood. Reacting on impulse has a disadvantage that always seems to backfire even when my intentions were meant to be good.
Back to the main point:
Everything that has happened to me, good and bad in this little town, Powell, Wyoming. has changed me forever. It was like a mental bootcamp not knowing who your real friends were. It was even worse not knowing who your enemies were even though some were made clear. I AM a good person who is just making a name for herself. It happens to the best of us. I admit that I have made some piss poor decisions in the past, but I learned from them. I became a better person because of them. Someone once told me, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger." That is so so true. I never imagined being where I am today. My life has made a full circle and it led to me right back to where I started.
It was the next day when God gave me my sign. I was on the phone with my boyfriend and he asked me about a certain song. Before he could even speak the name, I blurted it out. there was a few moments of silence. I could hear in his voice that I already knew the song before he even said it. It was was the song I wrote in my journal just the day before, Bless the broken road.
So after I received my sign, I knew that my journey was going to take me home. I will never truly understand how the hell I ended up in Wyoming, but it is what it is. It was a difficult time being in such an isolated little town, but it built character and charisma. I will take the good memories and run with them.
So now what? I have a road map of what I am going to do, but I am not really sure how to do it. All I know is that I will pray for the people who tried to hurt me and bring me down when I was already wounded. That is all I can do. I wish nothing bad on anyone. I just want the truth to be revealed someday. Sadly, even if that never happens, at least I know my heart was in the right place. Not only am I packing dishes and knick-knacks in boxes from Walmart, I am also packing what is left of my dreams. This world can be a dark and lonely place and even more so when you are on your own. I do believe that there is a soulmate for everyone. I have been re-connected with mine and it couldn't have happened at a better time. Although I have faith in what the LORD has planned out for me, it doesn't hurt to have someone who is there to support me too. I am not sure where this next chapter is going to lead me but I just have to go with it. I have so much to do and in so little time. I will never forget who I am and where I came from. It is time to battle the unknown and aim for a victory. A good challenge is far better than a boring assumption. I will not go quietly into the night and I will not let the storm weather my spirit. I am going to do what I need to do. The path is right before me and is lit with integrity. As I close my eyes, I can visualize all that I have lost but I can hear the Lord's voice of reassurance whispering, "bless the broken road." Somehow I know everything is going to come together......
There's no clouds out tonight, yet it is pouring. These memories in my head, yet I am warm in my bed, I will pray while I'm mourning. Everyone tells me, that healing takes time. Yes it's all bittersweet, still I'm incomplete as I long for something to call mine.
So when it is raining, Picture me crying for outside I'm living but inside I'm slowly dying one heartbeat at a time. My spirit is chained to this earth and I long to break free. The nights of misery and days of lost wonder, when will it end? I'm lost in the dark with no light in a multi-dimensional vortex of insanity yet I'm sane to the thought and numb to the touch.
This storm whispers to me. It tells me lies and sings a truth. I struggle each night, am I losing this fight? If I were to pray for the rain? So I will resurrect my past when the forecast should call for thunder and wind, let the lighting begin and then my teardrops can fall.
Where do I belong and where is home? I've been waiting for a sign, so tell me where do I belong? I know where I belong at this very moment and I know my feelings are destined pulses of reality. I belong in my soulmates' arms. I will find shelter there and protection.
But for now I fear the worst. I am no one's wife yet someones mother. Emptiness fills my body and I silently scream for salvation. The white wedding dress that is a material figment of my fairytale is the same dress I will be buried in yet I have only worn it once.
Tonight I cry. The sky is clear and there is not a cloud in sight. My tears produce emotional precipitation as I wipe the purified,liquid pain from my cheek. God, why am I here? What do I have to do to get to where I need to be? Am I suffering for heaven or is this my hell on earth. Please tell me, for I yearn for your mercy.
I am so tired. Is this breath my last or is it the first breath to a new life. There are answers without questions and questions with blank responses. Nothing makes sense and there is no logic to the defined entities that clutter my spirit.
I can hear the wind howling as the midnight shadows form their position. They will chase me and even interogate me in my slumber. My mind demons that know my weaknesses and flee from my strengths.
I will find you soulmate and I will run to you. Wait for me for I am coming and very soon. The weather, (much like my existence) is predicting a 50% PERCENT CHANCE OF heartache. The memories are chasing me. I am ready to jump off my balcony of hopelessness. Are your arms ready for me? Because it going to be a brutal STORM.
My love, I long to hold you in my arms and feel the warmth of your body next to mine. I am overwhelmed with emotion when I think of you and I embracing one another. I have no intentions of ever letting go, for I would be devastated to lose you again. It was fate that brought us back together.and it was fate that planned this very moment. Two hearts that were re-united by unexplainable forces.
My love, I have waited so long to be with you. You are my ultimate fantasy and I tremble at the thought of your touch. Memories caress my mind, creating an intimate rush of levity and excitement, all at the same time.
However, there are some things in life that I will never understand. If God has gone to great lengths to bring two people together, then why are those two people miles apart? It just doesn't make sense. I long to hold you near but all I have is an imprinted vision.
My love, I carry you in my spirit and I pray for you more than I pray for myself. You complete me in every way possible. I will never forget the day when I first looked into your eyes and said,"I love you." Years later, my love has not aged a day. The passion is deeper, stronger and flows through me like a river.
Although I can't predict the future, I do know that we will be together someday. Whether it is someday soon, or someday far away, I will wait no matter how long it takes.
It is often that love is taken for granted and unappreciated. Darling, I am eternally grateful that you are a part of my life. The journey to find each other has been long and tiring but every road was worth the travel because it brought me to you.
So until the day we meet again, face to face and heart to heart, I will hold you close to my soul. You are forever a part of me and I love you more than words could ever express. You are my best friend, lover and my chosen soulmate.
My prayers have been answered my love, at last.
There is always a period of calmness after any storm. The rain suddenly stops, the wind becomes a gentle breeze and there is a small ray of light that peaks through the clouds.
