TOY SOLDIERS

Everything I longed to say was on the tip of my tongue as his transparent body stood before me. With a firm stance, he looked me over like I was the enemy trying to destroy him.

It was like a dream that I could control. His presence was intense and filled my spirit with anxiety yet pleasure. It was a de'javou and I was hoping he would remember who I was and what I once meant to him.

Breathing deeply, my eyes undressed his thoughts as his eyes undressed my soul. He was not a dark angel delivering my statistics, he was soldier # 23 holding my wings as collateral. I wanted them back and desperately. His purpose was dark but non-intentional, or so I hoped for.

Silence came over our encounter as we stood there for a brief moment. In fear that he was reaching for a weapon as he reached behind his back, he slowly revealed what once were my wings. They were bloody, soiled and worn.

"If you want your wings back," he said in a stern voice. "Then you must tell me your thoughts."

I did not want to reveal what I was thinking or feeling for it would be like cryptonite to my strength. My tears would become a river that would drown me and my pain would be the sword that pierced me.

I closed my eyes and could see the thoughts like subtitles running through my mind. Pretending they were written in a different language other than my own, I replied, " Take me for I am yours, but remember that you broke me once already. "

His eyes grew of curiosity and his facial expression softened.

"I did this to you? Do you bleed for me? " He said in a sincere pitch. " I am so ashamed for I should have fought for you, honored you and loved you. I didn't mean to leave you to die."

I could hear him holding back his tears as he tossed my wings back to me.

"How can I be a soldier when I left the one I loved to die?" he said as he began to to show compassion. " Like a toy soldier, I did not stand real and now I will fall, just as I left you to do. " He turned around and slowly walked away.

I wanted to follow him into the distance but reluctantly I didn't. Once I had given him my last breath, my last drop of blood and my last ounce of hope and in return he gave me nothing.

Although I was still broken, I had my wings. A magical glow came over me and my wings suddenly became attached and anew. I flew up into the sky above and watched him walking into the desert of shame. Miles and miles of regret were mapped before him.

It was a hot evening and there was no water for his dehydrated body to drink. Even though he had left me to suffer, I pity for him. Looking down upon him I began to cry. For him it began to rain. He looked up but couldn't see me.

My tears quenched his thirst and his hurt caused my storm. For when it's raining he will know that I am crying for him. He gave me back my wings but he can never return my heart. In the end the angels fall down like toy soldiers and then eventually the toy soldiers unite with the broken angels. It will be a long war but in the end, the battle will be worth fighting for. Then everyone will get their wings.

When roses Bloom: Entry two

My thoughts were like four walls closing in on me.

The memories of my past were slowly seeping like sweat through the pores of my skin. Brought to my knees in my puddle of my own tears I yelled, "God, I want so save her. Please, help me save her."

I lay there hopeless, clutching a dried,dead rose. Pieces of the rose were literally breaking off as I held on to it tighter. Beginning to hyperventilate, I lay my head down and begin to pray.

"Lord please, how could she be like this?" I said silently. " Give me a sign that you hear me, please."

Within moments an bright, golden-yellowish light, began to shine above me. Looking up, I realized that the light was moving closer and getting brighter.

After the glowing figure was brought into focus, it was indeed a beautiful angel.

"Child, I hear your cries and I cradle you when you sleep." The angel said. " You are not alone and yes, I have heard your prayers in heaven. It breaks my heart so see you in so much pain."

The angel bent down, looked into my eyes, looked down and noticed the rose in my hand.

"Why do you keep this withered, dead rose?" the angel said as she lifted back one finger at a time to remove the rose from my grip. "It is dead and now you need to put it to rest. This is your friend dear. You cannot save her. There is nothing left to save and you have to accept that."

I began to cry and did not want to let that rose go for I was hanging on to it for dear life.

The rose was a symbol of an old friend. It started out healthy and beautiful, then through the years it started to die. Within time, it dried up, blackened and was brittle to the touch. There was no sign of recovery.

In hopes of being able to water it back to health, there was always a silent hope for revival but it never happened.

The thorns of the rose pricked me many times, making me bleed but I was in denial. Maybe I was holding on to tight or perhaps not tight enough.

Love come in many forms and love can die many deaths. Like the dead not being able to cross over, not letting go will only resurrect unwanted pain and misery.

Glancing at the rose for the last time, I surrendered it to the angel. She looked at me with a pleased look and shook her head.

"It is time." she whispered. "You are doing the right thing and you never gave up."

The angel glared at the deceased flower, kissed it and then threw it up into the air. It floated in midair for a few seconds then turned into glittery ashes.

Scattering like rain from the sky, I watched my friend be put to rest. There was nothing I could do.

All these years I held that rose in a box, much like a coffin, hoping it would return to life. It never did. No petals, no color and no sign of existence. It just continued to decay.

Yet the angel made me realize that the longer I held on to the rose the longer the healing would be delayed.

Smiling at me the angel looked into my eyes and began to hum a song I have heard before.

It was song I had wrote years before and the melody pierced my heart like an arrow.

The angel kissed me on the forehead and wrapped her wings around me as I cried. I eventually fell asleep and she had flown away before the dawn. My grieving process began and now I could finally move on.

No matter how painful letting go of something or someone may be, it is a part of life that needs to happen sometimes.

New seeds can always be planted and new flowers can always grow. It is just a matter of putting faith and trust in God that he decides when roses bloom..

For the earth is his soil, and the roots are his anchor. Letting go can be painful, but time will eventually heal all wounds. Perhaps the next batch of roses will not have so many thorns.

A MOTHER'S LOVE-SHE IS ALWAYS WATCHING OVER ME

In my mother’s eyes, I am everything she wanted me to be and more.

A life within her that left her but still lives on.

My mother lost her fight to lung cancer in 2006 but now I carry her legacy. There are also gifts that she left me that are not legalized in a will. I was left with spiritual gifts.

Ever since she passed my life has truly changed.

There have been many unexplainable encounters that I can't control but am confronted with as it happens. When I hurt, she hurts and makes others know they hurt me. I don't refer to it as Karma, it is all a plan.

If I cry, then she comforts me by showing me signs reminding me of all the secret memories she left.

My mother and I had issues but we made amends, promises and unknown pacts that will only be known between us when she was dying and no one but us will ever know.

I and my mother did not have the best relationship before she died but we made amends and now she is my angel, always and is watching over me and the family.

If anyone hurts me, then she will defend me because she is my far more than my guardian angel. Omnipresent she will defend me and my babies.

My mother is my guardian Angel as well as those that were all born to me. I am not sure how this all works but I am assuming if I say I am doing right, then there is belief in it. It's not a certificate notarized by the government but maybe it is pre-documented in heaven?

Don’t mess with Angels, especially a mother of the daughter she needs to save to get her wings.

All in good time, that is to anyone who has hurt my mother’s destiny. After all this talk of Angels I don’t want to discuss Karma because I have prayed and prayed but only been betrayed. Maybe it is time to bury the hatchet and be a decent human being and stop the judging before it is too late.


My mother is my angel and my best advise is...Don't mess with Angels.

ANGEL OF DARKNESS

His saliva was like burning whisky going down my throat.

One taste and it was an addiction. My adrenaline was racing but my tactics were genetically malfunctioned. My skin absorbed his liquid pleasure as his sweaty intentions lathered my body. A sweet, guilty indulgence permitted without a secret password.

Mission accomplished. My body was life-less after he sucked me dry. Panting on my hands and knees, crawling for survival I managed to get away for a moment. Then I felt his breath confiscate my focus. It was a curved road with a black entity blocking every possible direction. There was no alternate route available, it was now ten-thousand miles of non-stop driving.

I was no longer his passenger. I was his captive. I meant nothing more than a hitchhiker on the side of the road waiting for transportation.

Then we finally arrived as his private domain. A castle of sin and a tower of sweet permissive treats awaited my arrival. Without question I prepared to relax in his Jacuzzi of lies.

It was a dream but very fantasy like. I was his princess whore and he was my prince of never-never loved her land. I had enough and so I confronted him like a slave chained to his mid-driff.

I pleaded, “let me go,” but he refused. After hours of repeated sexual infestation he was finally done with me. I heard him say,”Guards take her away.” Not labeled as a concubine one compassionate guard let me have my last words.

He handed me a chunk of charcoal and a napkin. I was weak but managed to legibly scribble,”He who owned my heart,killed my heart.” The unknown guard took my note, gave a hardened look and slammed the door of my cell.

My cell of shame was dark and moist with the smell of regret. Then I heard metal against metal as the chains of the trap door began to motion. Scared with fear no noise came out of my mouth as I tried to scream.

Then the floor beneath me gave way. I silently muttered “why” as I fell to the depths below. My destined fate was fifty feet below me. I hit the bottom and lay there paraylized. Suddenly I heard hisses and slithering. I was dropped into a pit of snakes and I could feel their scaly bodies ready to bite me.

The first snake bit me, then the second, then the third. I became immobile as the venom entered my bloodstream. I cried out his name. He appeared above me then laughed and said, “You honestly think I loved you?” The silent echo of no remorse filled the air. Then the trap door closed and I continued to get attacked.

Laying there waiting to die I realized he spoke the truth.

He threw me into a pit of death and left me there to be bitten and devoured. As I took my last breath I prayed that my note would make it to someone, somewhere. Then I closed my eyes and surrendered as the snakes scurried back into the corners of my resting place.

Weeks later after my spirit became one without my body he sat down for dinner. Involved in his normal routine, he reached over and grabbed his napkin. As he opened the napkin to wipe his face he noticed some writing. “he who broke my heart killed my heart.” Beyond shocked a dark angel appeared before him. Yelling for his crew at once the room began to spin.

Moments later he grabbed his chest and got down on his knees. The dark angel ripped his heart right out of his soon to be life-less body. By the time help arrived he LAYED there dead to the world and in his hand he gripped that napkin. His soul departed and he was up for his judgment.

Entering the light he already knew he was in transition as a faint figure appeared above him. In desperation he looked up at the man who makes all the final decisions. As he opened his mouth to speak, he was interrupted.

He looked up, begging for mercy and forgiveness. Then the good man looked down and said, “I gave you life and a wonderful woman. You killed her heart. You honestly think I could love you?” Then the day went dim and he served his lifetime sentence of darkness. His bitter heart cost him eternal happiness and all because he wanted lust for one night in his personal pit of darkness.

No chances

Bringing a life into this world is amazing

That is how we all arrived here.

Dear Kimberly:

I am 18 years old and I just graduated. I am enrolled in college but I just found out I was pregnant. I am so scared and my boyfriend just broke up with me and he says I am lying and trying to trap him. What should I do? I don't want to keep it but should I tell him?

Keeping Strong

Dear Keeping strong,


I was 18 years old too. I just graduated, was in college and had an awesome music career going and was almost in the same boat. Thank you for letting me post your letter.

This is what I think:

Sometimes when a women finds out she is pregnant it is the worst feeling possible.

If the man leaves then the woman has every right to make all the choices.

The man has none.


Abortion is a very contraversial topic but it's a fact of life.

Once a man chooses to depart he loses all his rights. All his rights.

He has no say because he is the one who left.

If a woman decides to keep the child then it is her right to let him know, if she chooses too.

If she decides to give it up for adoption or aboard it?

It is her choice because if the man is unreachable then it was for a reason.

After doing some research a woman has all the power to make all choices. Not the man who left.

So for any women who finds out she is pregnant? If the man broke up with you, questions you and asks for a paternity test? You give give him the middle finger and you can make all the choices. He has no rights, until you say.

If he left you, he never loved you.

Break free and just love that baby. He gave up his rights when he said good-bye and the law states it.

It's his loss. Dammit.

OPTICAL ILLUSION

A woven web, tangled with twisted stories. "How can someone have a climax without a beginning, middle or an end?"

Just like a kiss. There has to be a moment of intimacy, a moment of evaluation. Where will that moment go and how may it end? There is no absolution, just a resolution that everything will turn out right and the way the agenda was planned out. Yet often some people get lost and it is a deadly miscalculation.

Wondering days and miserable nights would leave any mortal delusional and disoriented. My heart hungered and my body craved his bodily offerings.

His eyes were like florescent images of truth and prefabricated blue prints. I was thirty in his desert. Licking my lips, his touch quenched my thirst and fed my appetite. The sand was burning and hot beneath my feet and there he was like a pond in the palm trees waiting for my arrival.

Dehydrated and weak, I lay there limp in his arms as he gave me mouth to mouth resuscitation to revive me. My vitals returned and I became conscious. We gazed at one another for a brief second, then undressed each other slowly yet in a provocative manner.

He was my doctor and I was his patient for I waited patiently to recover from the blusterous journey of malnutrition dreadful weather. Instead of getting a sticker for being good, he just gave me his version of a body tattoo. Skin to skin we blended like Chameleons in a tropical rain forest, making sounds not even the discovery channel could record.

But then suddenly, everything became quiet. I opened my eyes again and he vanished. I lay there naked in a puddle of muddy water. There was no pond and there was no man within a hundred yards. Barely coheir-ant I attempted to stand up only to fall back to my knees. The moment was so wonderful and I could still taste him on my lips. His scent filled the air and I reached for his hand but there nothing to hold on to.

My reality was not what it seemed. My desires were fulfilled but I was left empty. He was not only my planned fantasy, but in the end he was my optical illusion....

LUST,LIES AND CANDLE-WAX

There we were, naked in bed beneath the covers. He leaned over and kissed me passionately. I laid my head on his chest, closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat. Looking up at him, then into his eyes I told him, "I love you." Without hesitation he replied, "I love you too baby."I can still feel his hands all over me, caressing me and pulling me close to him. There was not a doubt in my mind that what we just shared was real. Two souls united, brought together by fate and happily in love, that is until something terrible happened. There were forces beyond my control that ripped us apart.

Rumors not only hurt people but they destroy relationships. If the love isn't strong enough on both ends then the relationship doesn't have a fighting chance. It would be wise to just throw in the towel, surrender and count your losses. Moving on is easier said than done, but it will save your heart from the added pain and confusion, There are no logical answers, just ridiculous assumptions.

After the storm of lies hit, I was in the dark for a few days. Rather than sending emails, texts or making phone calls, it was more beneficial on my behalf to just wait it out. Sure enough, I received the 'Dear John' email a few days later. It tore me apart and all I could think about was how we promised to beak-it off in person, should we ever encounter these waters.

The day after I received the heartbreaking news I remember driving to an orientation for work, My emotions got the best of me and I texted him, "God will show you the signs, don't ignore them." Within a minute or so, my phone beeped and it was a reply. "Stop messing with me, if there is something to tell me, tell me." I was on the free-way to my class and tried to text "I'm going to class," but I hit the send button by accident.

Then He replied back, "Stop texting me or I will take legal action." Beyond shocked and insulted,I immediately began to tear up. Then the tears began to fall and I had to pull over to the side of the road because I couldn't see. Half of me wanted to call and say, "WTF? After all we have been through? How dare you treat me like this." Then the other half of me wanted to throw my phone out the window and at him. I didn't know what to think, say or do. An officer pulled up behind me to see if I needed assistance. "Are you okay mam?" the officer said. "Just want to check and see if you need any help."

I looked up at the officer and took a deep breath. "I'm fine sir, I just my boyfriend just broke up with me and I'm upset." I could see that he was compassionate and then he drove off.

I pulled myself together and continued on with my commute.

Since that day, confusion fills my mind every second, every day and every night. "How could I let this happen? I trusted and believed in him." All the conversations we spent sharing our thoughts, dreams and life experiences, meant nothing. I told him everything, EVERYTHING!!!!!! Letting myself get so close to someone again was my biggest downfall.

All the time and money spent was the least of my worries for I needed to focus on accepting the fact it was indeed, over. I'm very bitter and will never forgive him again. The love he claimed to be true was lust, the promises were lies and the candles were just lighted wax that heated up the room while we engaged in wild animal sex.

For as long as I live, I will never trust again. I gave my heart and I gave my all. That is the best anyone can do. However, every time I picture his face, the words lust,lies and candle wax come to my mind. As meaningless as those words may seem, the moments created around them did mean something even if it was only on my end. I loved, I lost but this time I learned my lesson.

SEVENTEEN YEARS

Your note has been created.

SEVENTEEN YEARS



I gave my heart again to him
On a silver platter
Seventeen years passed
But it didn't matter
(17 YEARS ago)
He left to serve his country
And I said goodbye
He didn't show emotion
So for both of us I'd cry
I stopped sending letters
and the phone-calls were through
Cuz someone said
He found somebody new....

Then seventeen years later
he found me on the net
We told each other memories
We could not forget
I didn't want to trust him
but I loved him all these years
and now he left again
causing me all these tears

He never knew the secret
I almost told him at the beach
The love and special moment
almost caused the reach
something seventeen years ago
And now he'll never know
The reason why
It was so hard to let go

So now I WILL
forever bleed'
the hurt and all the pain,
and the reason not to need
Because He left again
Without telling me good-bye
but at least he didn't promise
he would never let me cry
He walked away so quickly
like he was getting on that plane
Like Seventeen years ago,and now
I'll never hear from him again.........

She finally drank away his memory

Sang and Written by (Brad Praisley/Alison Kraus)


She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night


1st Chorus
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

(Sing lullaby)

The rumors flew but nobody know how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night

2nd Chorus
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby