Once upon a heartache

I woke up this morning wondering,"how did I end up here?" My mascara is smeared all over my white satin pillowcase and the pain is left in the creases of my face. There is an uneasy feeling, a shallow presence that fills the room. My eyes are halfway open as I glance over at the TV to see what program is on. Inhaling slowly, I yawn as I attempt to catch my breath.

The curtains are drawn and there is a thin ray of light casting shadows on the wall. Morning has a way of sneaking up on the night. It was a long night for me. I spent hours looking at old pictures and reading old letters from friends and loved ones. The pink lipstick stained the rim of the empty wine glass that was the party favor from my own pity party.

Glancing down at a pile of memories scattered on the floor, I notice one particular letter. I pick it up, unfold it and begin to read it. It said:

Once upon a heartache,

Should there ever come a time when I am reading my own written letter then I know I am alone. It has come to this. All my pain has surpassed anything that sparked any happiness in my life. I will never understand life and why things happen, but I accept what has happened. My mother is gone and will never witness me being happy. The vision, the dream of the two car garage, spacious square footage home, the kids playing in the yard, the husband fixing a flat bicycle tire, the dog pissing on the neighbors lawn and me making grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch has faded away into nothing. Perhaps someone else is living my life. Perhaps I have already lived it in another lifetime. Whatever the case may be, the present time is evidently miserable.

Longing for his embrace,

Angel of the morning



It was depressing to read such disenchanting thoughts. I have a way of expressing misery and it is disturbing at times. Maybe there will come a time when I will read a letter that expresses only joy. Sadly until that day comes, I will just have to pick and choose from a pile of notes that remind me of what I once had. It is until that moment that life, as I know it now, will be addressed as "once upon a heartache."

Bless The Broken Road

Life is without a doubt, unpredictable. It seems like only yesterday when I moved to Billings Montana and then to Powell, Wyoming. So much has happened and in so little time. I was watching the sunset a fews nights ago and it spoke to me. It said, "It's time to move on. This town is full of heartache and bad memories." However, there are also good memories that I will take with me. Becoming a journalist was just a thought about a year ago. I have established what I have was set out to do. A few weeks ago I went to my spot in the rims in Billings. Montana. I sat on a rock that was special to me. It's more like a tombstone that now holds an old significant meaning. It was this very rock that I cried, loved and claimed salvation. Everything in my life has led up to this very moment. With a pen in my hand I began to write in the empty journal I purchased on sale at Target. I asked God for a sign and wrote,"Bless the broken road." Having no idea what it meant, I began to write about my journey from Billings to Powell. I thought that I had everything planned out until my dreams came to a brutal halt in August 2009. Reality stopped me dead in my tracks I didn't know where to go. I remember starting college in August and it was the hardest decision I had to make. There was nothing left for me where I was living but something inside me told me to stay. Regardless of some setbacks, I continued on with my studies and managed to write for the college newspaper. That was just a stepping stone for me. Months later I launched my own websites and even claimed an article in a well-known woman's magazine, (TBA). While I maintained a 3.83, I also focused on my family. There were so many nights when I became homesick. It was hard not having any family and it was even more emotionally challenging without my kids. I may not mention them on public forums but that is because I like to keep my private life, private. My kids are my heart and soul. If anyone has anything else to say about that, well they can take a long walk off a short treadmill. Don't get me wrong, opinions are like a**holes. Everyone has them. Putting it in a delicate form, "don't come knocking on my door unless the facts are true and accurate." I don't feel that people are out to get me, I just feel misunderstood. Reacting on impulse has a disadvantage that always seems to backfire even when my intentions were meant to be good.

Back to the main point:

Everything that has happened to me, good and bad in this little town, Powell, Wyoming. has changed me forever. It was like a mental bootcamp not knowing who your real friends were. It was even worse not knowing who your enemies were even though some were made clear. I AM a good person who is just making a name for herself. It happens to the best of us. I admit that I have made some piss poor decisions in the past, but I learned from them. I became a better person because of them. Someone once told me, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger." That is so so true. I never imagined being where I am today. My life has made a full circle and it led to me right back to where I started.

It was the next day when God gave me my sign. I was on the phone with my boyfriend and he asked me about a certain song. Before he could even speak the name, I blurted it out. there was a few moments of silence. I could hear in his voice that I already knew the song before he even said it. It was was the song I wrote in my journal just the day before, Bless the broken road.

So after I received my sign, I knew that my journey was going to take me home. I will never truly understand how the hell I ended up in Wyoming, but it is what it is. It was a difficult time being in such an isolated little town, but it built character and charisma. I will take the good memories and run with them.

So now what? I have a road map of what I am going to do, but I am not really sure how to do it. All I know is that I will pray for the people who tried to hurt me and bring me down when I was already wounded. That is all I can do. I wish nothing bad on anyone. I just want the truth to be revealed someday. Sadly, even if that never happens, at least I know my heart was in the right place. Not only am I packing dishes and knick-knacks in boxes from Walmart, I am also packing what is left of my dreams. This world can be a dark and lonely place and even more so when you are on your own. I do believe that there is a soulmate for everyone. I have been re-connected with mine and it couldn't have happened at a better time. Although I have faith in what the LORD has planned out for me, it doesn't hurt to have someone who is there to support me too. I am not sure where this next chapter is going to lead me but I just have to go with it. I have so much to do and in so little time. I will never forget who I am and where I came from. It is time to battle the unknown and aim for a victory. A good challenge is far better than a boring assumption. I will not go quietly into the night and I will not let the storm weather my spirit. I am going to do what I need to do. The path is right before me and is lit with integrity. As I close my eyes, I can visualize all that I have lost but I can hear the Lord's voice of reassurance whispering, "bless the broken road." Somehow I know everything is going to come together......

Storm

There's no clouds out tonight, yet it is pouring. These memories in my head, yet I am warm in my bed, I will pray while I'm mourning. Everyone tells me, that healing takes time. Yes it's all bittersweet, still I'm incomplete as I long for something to call mine.

So when it is raining, Picture me crying for outside I'm living but inside I'm slowly dying one heartbeat at a time. My spirit is chained to this earth and I long to break free. The nights of misery and days of lost wonder, when will it end? I'm lost in the dark with no light in a multi-dimensional vortex of insanity yet I'm sane to the thought and numb to the touch.

This storm whispers to me. It tells me lies and sings a truth. I struggle each night, am I losing this fight? If I were to pray for the rain? So I will resurrect my past when the forecast should call for thunder and wind, let the lighting begin and then my teardrops can fall.

Where do I belong and where is home? I've been waiting for a sign, so tell me where do I belong? I know where I belong at this very moment and I know my feelings are destined pulses of reality. I belong in my soulmates' arms. I will find shelter there and protection.

But for now I fear the worst. I am no one's wife yet someones mother. Emptiness fills my body and I silently scream for salvation. The white wedding dress that is a material figment of my fairytale is the same dress I will be buried in yet I have only worn it once.

Tonight I cry. The sky is clear and there is not a cloud in sight. My tears produce emotional precipitation as I wipe the purified,liquid pain from my cheek. God, why am I here? What do I have to do to get to where I need to be? Am I suffering for heaven or is this my hell on earth. Please tell me, for I yearn for your mercy.

I am so tired. Is this breath my last or is it the first breath to a new life. There are answers without questions and questions with blank responses. Nothing makes sense and there is no logic to the defined entities that clutter my spirit.

I can hear the wind howling as the midnight shadows form their position. They will chase me and even interogate me in my slumber. My mind demons that know my weaknesses and flee from my strengths.

I will find you soulmate and I will run to you. Wait for me for I am coming and very soon. The weather, (much like my existence) is predicting a 50% PERCENT CHANCE OF heartache. The memories are chasing me. I am ready to jump off my balcony of hopelessness. Are your arms ready for me? Because it going to be a brutal STORM.

My love at last.........

My love, I long to hold you in my arms and feel the warmth of your body next to mine. I am overwhelmed with emotion when I think of you and I embracing one another. I have no intentions of ever letting go, for I would be devastated to lose you again. It was fate that brought us back together.and it was fate that planned this very moment. Two hearts that were re-united by unexplainable forces.

My love, I have waited so long to be with you. You are my ultimate fantasy and I tremble at the thought of your touch. Memories caress my mind, creating an intimate rush of levity and excitement, all at the same time.

However, there are some things in life that I will never understand. If God has gone to great lengths to bring two people together, then why are those two people miles apart? It just doesn't make sense. I long to hold you near but all I have is an imprinted vision.

My love, I carry you in my spirit and I pray for you more than I pray for myself. You complete me in every way possible. I will never forget the day when I first looked into your eyes and said,"I love you." Years later, my love has not aged a day. The passion is deeper, stronger and flows through me like a river.

Although I can't predict the future, I do know that we will be together someday. Whether it is someday soon, or someday far away, I will wait no matter how long it takes.

It is often that love is taken for granted and unappreciated. Darling, I am eternally grateful that you are a part of my life. The journey to find each other has been long and tiring but every road was worth the travel because it brought me to you.

So until the day we meet again, face to face and heart to heart, I will hold you close to my soul. You are forever a part of me and I love you more than words could ever express. You are my best friend, lover and my chosen soulmate.

My prayers have been answered my love, at last.