Sweet Surrender-Sad Good-bye

The room was cold and decorated with darkness. I could hear the silence reading my thoughts and using them as a cruel weapon against me. It felt like there was a knife engaged in my chest as I lay on my bed in a fetal position. As it turned, it pierced my heart deeply and I could feel the pain dripping from the incision. Invisible blood that stained my spirit with a tainted purpose. My encounter with love left me emotionally disabled and unable to feel. I was numb and tired. Attempting to fly with broken wings was unthinkable and at the time impossible. I was like a fish trapped in a fishermans' net. There I was naked to the truth of everything that would be undressed. With all my might I did fight the inevitable. I fought with everything I had. As I watched my prince disappear into the distance I knew I had to release him from my soul. It tore me apart. Waving my white flag, I set him free. I had no choice for this was the turning-point of our destiny. Our fated road-map. No matter how much I begged and pleaded with God, nothing would change the mind of my lost love. Although he had just left me, he was already gone. There was a wall of disillusion that had been secretly built between us. Even weeks before he departed I could feel that something had changed. When he said, "I love you," I could hear something different in the tone of his voice. One night before our ended love-affair, I watched him while he slept. He looked so peaceful and beautiful. It was a special moment when I put my head on his chest to hear his heartbeat. I gazed up at him,gently kissed his eyes and whispered, "I love you." Tears rolled down my face as if I already knew that would be our last moment together. There would be no wedding. My dreams would be over soon. A new chapter was going to be written with or without my consent. This chapter would be over and incomplete with no happy ending. I remember not wanting to fall asleep. I attempted to stay awake but minutes later I was deep in slumber. A few days later I received the unexpected phone call that fired the cannons. It wasn't a war over political controversy, it was a brutal battle to keep the man I loved. It was for my best friend, future husband, and everything I ever believed in. It all vanished into thin air. 'Poof,' just like that.

Believe it or not I somehow managed to survive what I thought was hopeless. I was angry, sad, confused and hurt all at the same time. It was a definite struggle of faith and loss. My wounds are slowly healing but time has revived me one breath at a time. The process has been dreadfully slow but nothing happens suddenly. Healing takes time. Sadly, there will never be a band-aid or pain medication available for a broken heart. I understand that life just happens and there is no exact science to love or happiness and I will be in pursuit of my fairytale for as long as I live. However, no one will ever replace the love I had lost. I have to admit that the nights seem longer now ever since we parted. Sometimes I cry when I am alone because I am still surrounded by our memories. I will never be the same, trusting person I use to be. I accepted everything that happened because I was forced to. I didn't want to move on but I did. No matter where my journey takes me I will never forget our first kiss, our first everything. It was the beginning of a "Sweet surrender with a sad good-bye." It was a disappointing novel to say the least but it changed me significantly . I was a women in love who went to great lengths to save something that couldn't be saved. Needless to say , it was all worth the pain and tears. My fearless struggle that I fought to the bitter end---K.M