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This depression cradles me while it sings a sullen lullaby. Darkness fills the sky and the moon releases a luminous warmth. My thoughts are sacred while I withdrawal myself from reality.
The truth has sunk in, leaving me emotionless and without words. A woman of my age should not have to settle in misery or invite un-welcomed company into their home. My private domain is much like a boxed cell with windows, metal bars and a cold cement floor. It is not a permanent residence or home-sweet-home. It is a rented shelter for an unknown period of time. I dwell in this place, day to day and night by night. I'm strong because I have to be, and my only source of strength is determination. Although this world has brought me down, I refuse to stay down. For some estranged reason, I can't find it in myself tonight to be invincibly bullet-proof. I am hurting and my past is seeking through the cracks of my mind. How did I end up here? Why did I end up here? It doesn't make sense and it isn't fair. all the plans I once made are beyond, 'long-over-due.' Everything has taken a tremendous toll on me. I almost feel sick and weak. Crawling seems to be the better alternative to walking, at least for the moment. My soul is dehydrated from lack of nourishment. I am going to close my eyes and attempt to sleep. Once I am in a deep slumber then I can falsely predict my destiny. This is better known as, "dream."
I wanted to run but had nowhere to run to. I wanted to hide but could not find a safe shelter. As I gazed into the vanity mirror my reflection taunted me saying,'this is you and who you will remain.' I wanted it to shatter. My skin was pale, my mascara was smeared and my eyes were swollen from the tears. Looking over to the left, I saw a picture of my mother. A feeling of emptiness came over me. While I was reaching for my bottle of alcoholic comfort, I could hear her voice telling me,"Please deal with the pain child. I promise it won't hurt forever." I didn't believe her. Leaning my head back I poured the healing liquid down my throat. There was a feeling of instant warmth and suddenly I felt pacified. After a few minutes, I repeated the steps. It was the key to my survival for the night. Glaring at the empty bed did not make sleep appealing or needful. Loneliness had won again and it was rewarded with my misery. Memories danced through my head like a woven tapestry. Although there were many colors, the color black seeped through, creating an abstract of illusion. Everything I have ever dreamed of bled through the textured crevices, creating blotches that resembled finger paints. Love has destroyed me and I fear I will never love again. Was I drained for all eternity or would time refill me? My present identity was an alien that wandered without concept.
I was dizzy as I stood up from my life-less kneeling position. Glancing over at my desk I noticed a notebook that was sticking out just enough to catch my eye. I reached over and pulled it out from the library of journals I managed to collect over the years. With no particular page in mind I opened up the notebook. To my surprise there was a sketch of eccentric numbers and a presently defined place. It was destiny drawn years before I stood here. How could that be? Yet there it was in pencil and shadow. I have always believed in angels and purpose but I never believed in divine intervention. I turned a few pages and there was another sketch that revealed a handsome man and a princess. It felt as if it was speaking to me. I knew it was. I could feel it. Within moments, I sat on my bed and began to collect my thoughts. I was unaware that my own drawings had specific dates and events in detail. I was no longer searching for an absolution. The answer I was desperately seeking somehow found me. It is no secret that I long for love. Love is a great mystery that I may never solve. In the midst of my journey's I have found that there is a reason for everything. People come and go but are brought into our lives for a reason. No matter how long they stay, there is something they left behind. Whether it is words of wisdom or even heartache, the encounter was planned. There may never be an explanation but there was a purpose. Whatever that purpose may be, you can't always rely on fate. Sometimes you have to wait for divine intervention. Until then, you must continue on the unknown path because you never know when the search may end. ~~~~Someone may be loving me from afar or perhaps the love of my life is waiting for me to find him. A picture speaks a thousand words but somehow my sketches spoke a million lifetimes.
Your touch stung me like a scorpion. A venomous kiss that poisoned my equilibrium, leaving me faint. As I fell to the earth you watched but did not catch me. I cried out your name but the echo was all that returned to me. Like the wind, you were gone into the sunset as the day turned into night. The sky grew black and the shadows of my tears glimmered in the water. The waves crashed against the rocks, roaring like thunder. My heart ached with every breath and every beat. Time weaved a wicked spell as the hourglass sifted the sand of no tomorrow. Your saliva was like a sweet potion on my tongue. Swallowing the truth into the pit of my stomach. Like purple and blue bruises all over my body, your words hurt. Leaving painful imprints of shame on my judgment. Drowning in my own sorrow your reflection formed a figure in the fog. Your hand never reached for me but your intentions struck me like lightning. I am a prisoner in your dungeon therefore these chains won't set me free. Your name is engraved in my headstone, your fingerprints on my soul.
"I can watch you from the heavens but on earth you are only a vision. I can touch you in my dreams but when I awake you are gone. Until the day we meet again, I will carry you in my spirit." ----Kimberly Morrow
Penguins are cute, funny-looking little birds dressed in classic black and white. They don't fly like other birds, and they waddle when they walk. Penguins are ready for any formal occasion. Although all animals fight, penguins only protect their nest from other penguins. They do not fight with their mate. Another interesting fact is that they mate for life. How sweet is that?
"I loved you to the bitter end. My heart cries for you and for the love we once shared. I can almost hear the angels weep as they watch from above. Your memories are an entity that will forever possess me."---Kimberly Morrow
The room was cold and decorated with darkness. I could hear the silence reading my thoughts and using them as a cruel weapon against me. It felt like there was a knife engaged in my chest as I lay on my bed in a fetal position. As it turned, it pierced my heart deeply and I could feel the pain dripping from the incision. Invisible blood that stained my spirit with a tainted purpose. My encounter with love left me emotionally disabled and unable to feel. I was numb and tired. Attempting to fly with broken wings was unthinkable and at the time impossible. I was like a fish trapped in a fishermans' net. There I was naked to the truth of everything that would be undressed. With all my might I did fight the inevitable. I fought with everything I had. As I watched my prince disappear into the distance I knew I had to release him from my soul. It tore me apart. Waving my white flag, I set him free. I had no choice for this was the turning-point of our destiny. Our fated road-map. No matter how much I begged and pleaded with God, nothing would change the mind of my lost love. Although he had just left me, he was already gone. There was a wall of disillusion that had been secretly built between us. Even weeks before he departed I could feel that something had changed. When he said, "I love you," I could hear something different in the tone of his voice. One night before our ended love-affair, I watched him while he slept. He looked so peaceful and beautiful. It was a special moment when I put my head on his chest to hear his heartbeat. I gazed up at him,gently kissed his eyes and whispered, "I love you." Tears rolled down my face as if I already knew that would be our last moment together. There would be no wedding. My dreams would be over soon. A new chapter was going to be written with or without my consent. This chapter would be over and incomplete with no happy ending. I remember not wanting to fall asleep. I attempted to stay awake but minutes later I was deep in slumber. A few days later I received the unexpected phone call that fired the cannons. It wasn't a war over political controversy, it was a brutal battle to keep the man I loved. It was for my best friend, future husband, and everything I ever believed in. It all vanished into thin air. 'Poof,' just like that.
Believe it or not I somehow managed to survive what I thought was hopeless. I was angry, sad, confused and hurt all at the same time. It was a definite struggle of faith and loss. My wounds are slowly healing but time has revived me one breath at a time. The process has been dreadfully slow but nothing happens suddenly. Healing takes time. Sadly, there will never be a band-aid or pain medication available for a broken heart. I understand that life just happens and there is no exact science to love or happiness and I will be in pursuit of my fairytale for as long as I live. However, no one will ever replace the love I had lost. I have to admit that the nights seem longer now ever since we parted. Sometimes I cry when I am alone because I am still surrounded by our memories. I will never be the same, trusting person I use to be. I accepted everything that happened because I was forced to. I didn't want to move on but I did. No matter where my journey takes me I will never forget our first kiss, our first everything. It was the beginning of a "Sweet surrender with a sad good-bye." It was a disappointing novel to say the least but it changed me significantly . I was a women in love who went to great lengths to save something that couldn't be saved. Needless to say , it was all worth the pain and tears. My fearless struggle that I fought to the bitter end---K.M
I feel as if the world is closing in on me. I have no where to run and no one to run to. Am I looking out the window at someone I want to be or am I looking in at someone I already am?---Kimberly Morrow
His love was like poison. Injected lies that ran through my veins like heroine. It was an addiction after our first kiss and he knew he had me hooked. His promises were infectious, breaking down every blood cell in my body and leaving me defenseless. All the twisted emotions regurgitated when reality set in. My heart felt like it was ripped from my chest and thrown to a pack of bloodthirsty wolves while it was still beating. Like a deer being gutted, I felt like my body was empty. I was left with nothing. Thinking of him torments me and haunts me like a demon lurking for a soul. The happy moments re-occur as a nightmare that takes my breath away when I awake. Gasping for air, while I hold my pillow and weep for mercy. As I cry out,"why." his face appears. In a ghostly vision I can remember his blank expression. There was no compassion. His blue eyes gazed into mine as if he were looking right through me. I was a figment of his pleasure and invisible as a person. Nothing more, nothing less. Saying good-bye was easy for him since his hello was just a contaversial gimmick. I was just another play-thing with no special purpose. Like a child who grows tired of a toy, the novelty had worn off. I admit that I was in love. I was in love with a fictional man who read his pick-up lines directly from a fairytale book. Dam he was good. I was convinced. Prince charming was the role he chose. The lead and main character of every dream I told him. Then he took my dreams and burned them like a witch who failed trial. Everything I gave was at stake. What did he have to sacrifice? Absolutely nothing. I guess he deserves a standing ovation for his magnificent performance. Within minutes of his dramatic entrance he was taking his bow as the curtain closed. The love affair, much like a theatrical play, was over. My last moment with him was similar to a funeral. He was pronounced dead at the scene when he said there was no love for me. Like a corpse in a coffin, I kissed him goodbye. It was our last encounter. It seemed he was in a hurry as he grabbed his car keys and walked out the door. I stood there in the doorway lifeless and paralyzed, hoping he would turn around. Apparently he didn't. In desperation I ran out to his truck but he just drove away. He never returned. It has been months now, but I still feel him like an apparition. There are nights when I can almost smell his cologne in the room. Chills have ran up my spine when something brushed up against me because it felt like his touch. But I must remind myself that it was all make-believe. Everything is accounted for but never really existed. Our memories have been cremated and only ashes remain. His spirit is like a deceased loved one that is buried in the earth but never forgotten. Forever my dark embrace.
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake.
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
It is not known precisely where angels dwell - whether in the air, the void, or the planets. It has not been God's pleasure that we should be informed of their abode. ~Voltaire
It was a cold and stormy night as I prayed for comfort. The answers were in the distance but I was in to much pain to fly. Like black, sticky tar that was poured all over my body, I could not escape. I felt chained to the earth and could not move. All I could do was cry..................---Kimberly Morrow
My mother once told me that even angels cry when they look down on someone who is hurting. Even from the heavens they can hear someone crying. At night when I pray I often wonder if I am being comforted by invisible wings holding me. I long for my lost love and a happier life but I understand that it is all fate and it cannot be altered. There are often times when I look into the sky and wonder if I am being watched. A heavenly entity that embodies my existence, my every move. As I breathe, I can feel my heart repairing itself one beat at a time. I know I am broken. So does that mean my angel is broken too?
This journey has been long and exhausting. Whenever there is a refueling, it seems the mileage decreases even more quickly. Without a doubt, the trials and tribulations of living have a way of peeking to unimaginable limits. Taking us to areas of venture we never assumed possible. For every victory there is a loss and for every motive there is critique. An endless whirlwind of notions that were never detected until they appeared. Even a genius has no knowledge of his or her credentialed alias until it is forced to emerge from within. It is simple yet complicated. Aggravating yet exciting. Futuristic planning will not support any fated road map. You can't run and you can't hide from your destined design. Ultimately crafted to your liking but mismatched for your intimate being. Who we are and regardless of where we want to go. Ethical reasons have no logic when explained or conformed. The flesh is like plastic, molded from your experiences. Flirtatious attempts to get the attention of those who do not understand your motives. Some people may not want to understand who you are or who you have become. Much like a virus, people feed on your precious immunities to weaken your desire to become something more than presumed. Maybe there is a potential threat that you will surpass them in the race to the top. Where exactly is the top? Is the balance in a checking account? Is it the four-car garage, 5000 sq ft house? Or is it fame? There is so much more to life than material items. Sadly, some people thrive off of luxuries and push aside those who make less than $???k a year, referring to them as poor savages. Gadgets, vehicles, and extravagant bar mitzvahs' become the only way of life. I have witnessed many acts of barbaric, financial prejudice. What is even worse is that is has completely transformed those who once had a beautiful design. I will never be re-created. This journey I have chosen will not lead me to a cave of wonders where there is a magic lamp waiting. I will not become president. The only treasure that awaits is the golden gratification of overcoming what seemed impossible. There is more to my existence than what appears. There are times when I fail t o see it. Just never let circumstance guide your destiny. There is so much to explore in life, love and purpose. Always remember that "you are" your own interior 'soul designer'. Perfected in every way no matter who you are and no matter where your destination may be...........
So there I was just minding my own business when I ran into the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It was almost a year ago when I met my ex-fiancee. Even though he moved on to several different relationships immediately after calling it quits, I still wish him happiness. You see, if it wasn't for him then I wouldn't be where I am today. No he doesn't deserve credit for me being an honor-roll student in college or becoming a successful writer. It is all about the timing and how I ended up here. Regardless of the mess that was left, I did learn from my mistakes. Never again will I be blinded by some fictional fairytale come-on. After having my heart and dreams trampled on, I realized that life isn't about finding prince charming. Men will come and they will go. It is very rare that a man will be honest and stick to his word. My mother always told me that "you can't hurry love." The song was made popular by the 'Supremes." in the 1960's. Lyrics have more meaning when they are an actual experience. I wanted the white-picket fenced, American dream so bad that I risked everything to have it. Then I was left with empty promises, a painful truth and no white-fence in sight. However, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. My almost "mother-in-law" to be told me that many times. It is a shame that we couldn't remain friends. I loved his parents like my own. That is part of the reason why the break-up hurt so bad. At the time, I didn't know a single soul in the town I just moved to. It was a very dark and lonely time. College was going to start in two weeks and I had to get up off my broken hearted ass, and do it myself. Sadly, my ex told me I would be a failure. Funny how it worked out. I managed to almost get a 4.0 and I am now attending my second semester. My music career is finally back in gear too. I need to get moving on because I need to write some big checks to get what I want and to shut people up. Money talks and I am just ready to shove it down a specific person's throat. There is a method to my madness going to college and pursuing my dreams. So many people have told me I would amount to nothing. Now look at me. They can kiss my ass. If a person judges someone then they obviously have some serious issues. No one is perfect. No one. Believe it or not I will never hold a grudge against those who attempted to hurt and kick me while I was down. I have to pray for them because there must be a reason why they are the way they are. Misery loves company.
Life is what you make it. You can either run from it or go with it. I am not going to run anymore. In fact, someone can chase me. I'm done running around in circles and getting dizzy. Fullfilling my desires is my job and I will never give that responsibility to any one ever again. Hell no! My kids, my family and my honest friends complete me. Those are the only people I will be thanking and blowing kisses to when I'm giving my speech at the Grammies.
