ANGEL IN A GRAVEYARD

He had me at hello and the first time he kissed my lips, I knew it was something beyond explanation.


Helpless to his touch, I laid there in his arms, feeling emotions I never felt before. It was a special connection that every woman longs for. I longed for him even after he was gone. Every time we met, it was an encounter that would never be forgotten and completely cherished for lifetimes to follow.


People come and people go but there is always that one person that will have your heart. Near or far, dead or alive, they are always with you. He will always be a part of me. His memory burns in my soul and his image is a picture in my mind that I will never embrace again.


His words were uncompassionate and cold, written in cold-blooded ink. I would remain his mental victim and he would remain like a thorn in my wing. He has told me goodbye many times and I was foolish to believe he never meant one of them.


What was I to feel? Where was I to turn? I had opened every unknown door and walked many paths and they all led me back to him. It is like a never ending dream that I cannot awake from. I was entrapped by slumber and taunted by visions that broke my heart over and over again. If only he would go away and stay away.


How could a man be so cruel and heartless? I didn't want to believe that I was just another woman in his bed that he bended to his will, only to leave me like death to life. But there it was, the truth plain as day and dark as night.


His scent still lingers on my skin like cheap perfume on an old woman. Bathing in my own tears never to become fully clean again. A creation gone to waste like a magnificent piece of artwork hidden in the attic, collecting cobwebs and dust.


I have no energy left to fly. Everything I once believed in is dead. After I mentally cremate him I will spread his ashes over the heavens and listen to the angels weep. The dark, cold soil will harden and never grow flowers it will only bury the deceased bodies of the dead.


This earth is my prison while I mourn him. Time is supposed to heal pain but this man has wounded my soul so deeply that there may never be a full recovery. I pray that I will be free from all his intentions someday. Sadly, I fear that day may never arrive.


Forever I will carry my wounded wings while he continues to live his life like nothing ever happened between us. There is no doubt that he has returned to a previous mate, the dark angel that wouldn’t let happiness be an option for us.


Little does he know that when he sleeps at night, we will always be reunited. Angels have a way of appearing in dreams even when they have a wounded soul and there is nowhere else left to fly.


I will pray for him at night while he makes every attempt to forget and erase me.


That will never happen because there will never be an absolute conclusion- Only an unfinished beginning with several alternate endings and every ending will be more painful than the last. An incomplete novel that will only be read like a name on a gravestone.

Music in my heart

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~~~THE BURNING BRIDGE~~~

The sky darkened as the evening fog began to set in. His spirit left his body as he was prounounced dead at 11:11 p.m.



A thin midst covered a wooden bridge and he stood there for several moments before proceeding to walk forward. He felt as light as a feather and rejuvinated after his long battle with cancer. Then without warning, a burst of flames covered his path ahead. A voice was calling him through the fire and he had no choice but to enter the flames.



He gasped for air and took a few small steps onto the wood. It was not hot although it was on fire. He wore no shoes so he could feel the mositure between his toes. It was cold as he placed one foot in front of the other.



Suddenly there was loud crackingn noise and a ray of light shined down in front of him through the smoke, revealing an angel.



"I am angel number one. Why should I let you pass? " She said. "Give me one reason and I will let you pass."



The man looked the angel in the eyes and said, "I am an honest man."



The Angel did not let him pass. Once again he said, "I am an honest man."



For the second time, she did not budge.



"Angel, why won't you let me go?" The man said in a frustrated voice. "I told you I am an honest man!"



The angel opened up her wings revealing a bottle of water. "For being an honest man, do you remember when you broke the heart of the woman you claimed to love? This is a bottle of her tears for I caught them as she cried."



The man looked confused. "Angel I know I could have done things differently but I was selfish and I didn't."



The angel looked pleased with his new answer and let him pass.



About fifty steps later another angel appeared. "I am angel number two, why should I let you pass?"



"I am a loving man." He said.



The angel didn't let him pass. "Angel! What now? I have loved and many times." he said with a surprised look.



The Angel handed him a piece of paper. It read, " My love will never change for you."



The man began to tear up as he looked up at the angel. "I know angel, I broke the heart of the one woman who gave everything she had to me and I just left her in her time of need. I am so sorry angel."



The angel gave him a compassionate look and let him pass.



The man began to cry as he walked several more feet.



Then a third and final angel appeared. "Why, should I let you pass." the angel said in a deep voice. "I should not let you pass."



"I am a caring man," he said in a softer voice. "I care about everybody"



The angel reached up into the sky and pulled down another angel.



"Do you remember her? She sits up in heaven with no wings because she gave them up for you. Do you remember that night?"



The man dropped to his knees and said, " Angel, Oh God Angel I forgot. I didn't mean to let her down. I had to make a choice."



The angel gazed down on him and touched his head.



"And I have no choice" the angel said. "We will meet again."



Then the man woke up in a hospital bed. The room was dark and cold as he could hear the monitors beeping, keeping track of his vitals.



The man screamed, "NO!!! Angel please!"



"Do you remember how many times you broke her heart? One time, two times, three times?" The angel said with a stern look. "How do you think she felt. Now you will know what it is like to feel like you are dying over and over."



The man cried out, "But angel I can't bear the cancer again, please no!"



"Who said anything about cancer?" The angel said. "You are going to suffer a broken heart. Then maybe you can show some remorse for what you put her through. She may never fly again thanks to you and your false intentions."



Just then the man grabbed his chest and started screamin in pain. "Angel make it stop, please make it stop!"



The angel felt compassion but told him, "Now you know how she felt everytime you told her goodbye and showed no emotion. You have the sympathy pain of what she will feel for eternity."



The man began to cry and the angel disappeared. For the first time he was able to physically experience what he had put someone else through. Perhaps if he does not survive through the night, he will be able to pass the third angel the next chance he gets to walk on the burning bridge.



It's not always about burning bridges. Breaking the heart of an angel is far more worse than a piece of wood on fire. Eventually the fire will go out but sadly, her heart will never heal.

WHERE DO I FLY FROM HERE?

I could almost taste the cigarette smoke on his breath from the first time I kissed him. That was many years ago.



Some people spend their lives searching for love while some people are lucky enough to find it right away. Perhaps I have known love or just assumed I have.



For the most part, love is a wonderful feeling. Every sense in my body responded to his touch and every beat in my heart spoke his name. So sad that I will be just another picture in his mind, that is if he even thinks of me.



No one wants to believe that the love of their life doesn't love them back. After all the moments shared,oneself would think that such moments meant something more than just two people spending time together.



I laid there frozen and lost for words as he kissed me on the cheek gently yet so effortlessly. That would be the last time I ever saw him.



Hearing the door shut, there was little emotion and I was so hurt that I couldn't cry. Feeling like all the love you made was just another meaningless encounter, for lack of a better term.



A person can pack their things and move on in their life, but once someone loves someone, they never stop. There is no erasing what was so wonderful to create.



So I ask myself, "Where do I fly from here?" To be honest, I don't know. "I only remember how I arrived here. When he left my arms and didn't say he loved me, my mental map was erased. An angel can still get lost even though she experience the universe with the man she will always love."



The journey had brought me here and now I need to figure out where my next destination will be. He is a part of me forever no matter where I go.

STONES

Filled with anger, I scooped a handful of sand and stones into my hand as I sat on the bank of the river.



The water was crystal clear and the sun had not yet set. Holding back my tears I threw a small gray stone into the water. Watching it skip, then sink.



Like a child watching fireworks on the lawn of their home, I sat there in the sand confused like attempting to put a jigsaw puzzle together in ten minutes.



I began to cry as I let the memories come back. Remembering wasn't the ignition to my heart it was the acceptance that triggered everything I was feeling at the time. Looking at the sky,then the river, then the sky again, I thought to myself.



All mankind was conceived in a womb, however if only a child could choose their parents. Perhaps there would be a chance for the child, perhaps not. My mother came to my mind as my eyes began to water, not creating tears.



It was the fall of November 2006 when I watched my mother die. I held her hand as she took her last breath. From that day forward, life as I use to know it was a nightmare.



Everyone struggles after losing a parent or loved one. Healing varies and healing takes time. "So why am I sitting here, tossing stones in the river trying to explain my pain? It is absolute nonsense."



The years have come and the years have gone. Looking back I regret some things I have done but not the things that have made me who I am today.



Understanding life isn't always easy, however I know that I am a broken angel that will turn a death into a legacy.



Sniffling and wiping the tears from my face, I stood up with a handful of sand and stones.



"Why did you have to die mother and why did you leave us all in this mess?" I cried out tossing one stone after the other into the river. "You promised you would watch over me, always. Where are you?"



Soon I was out of energy and stones as I dropped to my knees, lost in all despair.



Then suddenly the clouds gathered and the river seemed to stop flowing. I looked up thinking I was blinded by the sun. To my surprise it was my mother, staring down at me like a reflection in a mirror.



"Daughter, I never left you. My spirit left my body but my soul never left my spirit." She said with a heavenly glow. " I will not leave you lonely. I am always with you."



It wasn't like I was afraid. I just couldn't explain what just happened. The clouds let the sun shine through and the river began to flow as always.



I gathered my things and took one last look at all my surroundings. All this time I believed that my mother never heard me cry. For some reason, today she let me know that she did.



Bending down for the last time, I picked up one stone, wiped off he excess sand and stuck it in my pocket. Thereafter, I returned home.



While I was getting ready for bed that night, the stone fell out of my jean pocket. It hit the floor and rolled under my bed. I knelt down and hoped that it was laying near.



Surely it was, but it landed next to an old picture that had been there for awhile after my mother died. I picked up the stone and the picture it just so happen to be lying next to.



It was a picture of my mother playing the guitar when she was nine months pregnant with me. All of a sudden I could almost feel the vibration of the song she was playing.



As I held the stone in my hand, I could feel a warmth of something. Yes it was just a stone, but if that stone did not fall out of my pocket, then I wouldn't have found the picture.



Everything in life happens for a reason. Whatever the case may have been, a simple stone or stones brought me to remember my time in the womb.



It made me rethink about choosing my parents. It made me realize that maybe I just needed to choose the father.

OUT OF THE DARKNESS~~INTO THE LIGHT

For years I have remained silent in my own private domain. Afraid to speak what I was feeling and scared to face the phobia of many things. Somehow my fears became a beast that entrapped me in a dark world with no daylight.


As of tonight, I am no longer a victim of this darkness. I shall emerge into the light and spread my wings. After all, that is why God gave them to me. The sky is the limit when faith is brought to the surface.


There is always a vacancy in a forsaken shelter that is constructed by one's own personal fears. It's easy to hold oneself captive without even realizing the weight of their own chains.


Emerged in a depressive sea without the ability to swim or even tread the vicious waves. Beneath the current was an evil serpent that would grab a hold of my ankles in attempts to pull me under.


Now, I was breaking through the barrier of steel that has confined me for centuries. My knuckles may bleed and my skin may bruise but all my wounds will heal. A chance worth taking no matter what the outcome entailed.


I will raise my sword of courage and kill that serpent even if it almost kills me. These chains will no longer hold me down and the darkness will never be my castle of stone ever again. It will burn to the ground and I will watch it in great pleasure.


The gates shall open like thick oriental tapestries. At first the light will hurt my eyes but in time they will adjust. Now it was time to face what has been intimidating me and taunting me.


Shaking, I confronted my beast, face to face and flesh to flesh. Without hesitation I stabbed it in the heart before it could strike me again,like it has before. Paralyzed from the first wound, the relic fell to the ground with a non-victorious look in its eye. How could something of such simplicity interrogate me for so long?


With anger I kicked the beast to make sure it was dead. Surely enough,it was destroyed. In disgust I gazed at it's black scaly skin and jagged claws. I spit on its open wound and pulled out my sword. Blood stained the silver metal that marked my vengeance.


"So you are the beast that has been holding me back, stealing my breath and breaking my heart?" I said with a scowled look. "I have defeated you. Now you can go to your hell but you can't take me with you."


Fear is something that can take the life out of anyone. Even angels fear what is uncertain. Once the light shines on your enemy, then that serpent is no mightier than a boneless snail. Something as simple as salt could destroy its existence and evil antics.


For the first time in a long time, there was a feeling of peace within me. The sunrise never looked as beautiful as I said farewell to the darkness. The waves have calmed and the chains have been broken. "Was I satisfied with the outcome?" Indeed I was.


There is a very passive saying that many can relate to. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." Very true, but it never hurts to approach whatever wants to kill us, making oneself even stronger.


Angels always have victories when they are not afraid to fly.

~~ANGEL IN A BLACK DRESS~~

Everything in my life seemed meaningless as I looked in the mirror at myself in this black dress. An un-refundable purchase that I will pay for the rest of my life. I twirled around a few times and began to weep as the material caressed my body.

At a precise moment, dark clouds covered the sky as tears filled my eyes. Looking up I witnessed the doors of heaven closing, forever sealing me in this hellish world below.

It was a time to mourn and a time to plead for forgiveness for I had sacrificed everything I believed in. All for love and all for nothing. Blinded by words that held an opposite meaning of what was intentionally meant. Foolishly I fell into the buried trap below a sacred surface. The black-hole of everlasting passion.

Everyday I relive what could have been and should have been. It was like he died in my arms and I still haven't let go. How can I let go when his spirit visits me in my dreams and haunts me when I'm awake. There is no exit and no escape.

Although I was breathing it felt like I was suffocating. Hearing his voice was like oxygen. Feeling his touch was my lifeline. Existing without either promises a lifetime of grief and despair.

There are days that linger and nights that never wake. There is always hope for divine intervention but it never happens.

I use to believe that there were signs for everything that had a reason for happening. What reasons are logical enough to explain losing someone you love dearly?

There will never be an understanding within my heart that will amount to an absolution. It was an unfair destiny defined and an unhappy parody of my fairytale.

The fruits of my spirit have withered and the happiness in my smile has diminished. I'm here because I have no choice. If I had a choice then I would re-attach my wings and just fly straight up to a far away place. His arms were once my home and now the domain has been destroyed.

Although I pray relentlessly, there is no sign of healing. At least not anytime soon. Like cancer attacks the living, this drug out death attacks my ability to move forward. Was love really worth all this suffering? For the moment yes, but now there are regrets that can never be repaired.

Like clutching black-thorned roses in my hand, his memory brought me to my knees tonight. My tears like thick tar dripping on his picture one drop at a time. If only my tears were gasoline, then I could flick a match and burn what should have never lived in the first place.

Mourning someone is an personal process that can last an eternity. Everyday is like attending a funeral and every night is preparation for another death.

Forever living in a darkened cell with no windows, I will carve my history into these stoned walls. I will never see daylight again because light will never shine on the angel that wears the black dress. It's like waiting for the doorbell to ring knowing my date will never show.

LAST CALL

I didn’t want to believe it. Yet there I stood, in tears hoping there was a reasonable explanation for his actions. Sadly, there wasn’t.

Leaning against the worn ledge of the wooden porch, I stood waiting for an absolution. The fog would set in then fade. The nights would linger then awaken with another incomplete day.

I use to believe in fairytales and love. However, the two combined are a deadly combination and should never be used in logical reality. They are mythical conceptions that are ingested by three of the major senses, “Sight, Touch and taste.”

Sight: You see the person you know you will love forever. Then they are gone.

Touch: You touch your soulmate then your are soul-less

Taste: Like the forbidden fruit, you taste the passion of someone you want to die with. Then you die alone.

Whether love is a conflict of interest or emotion, someone always gets hurt. Love is never perfect although it is perfectly defined in paperbacks and Shakespeare novels.

Everyone wants to be in love at one time or another.

It is amazing how quickly love is admitted like a dying patient in an emergency room then released like a demon in an exorcism. Similar to a catch-22 without an entry or an exit: Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

Many rainfalls, storms and rainbows have occurred since I’ve waited for his return. Daily agendas on schedule and nightly rituals were not affected. Some days are better than others and some nights are unbearable.

Sometimes I cry and sometimes I smile. Memories can only be erased until you fall asleep. Then you are reminded of everything that you tried to forget and everything that truly happened.

With nowhere to escape, I would come to this porch and watch the sunrise, sunset and starlit sky. The damp wood smelled of his spirit and the splinters in my feet reminded me of the pain he left me in.

One night as I was slowly walking over to the antique rocking chair hidden in the midst of the porch, I felt something stab me in the crevice of my right toe. Assuming it was a piece of glass, I bent down to pick it up.

Clenched between my thumb and forefinger, I lifted the unknown object up. To my surprise it was not a piece of glass. It was a piece of a broken sea-shell. There were also a few drops of blood from the incision in my foot.

Lost without words, I fell to my knees. I cried out, “Why now Lord? Why do I find this now? It doesn’t mean anything anymore.”

I’m not sure how much time passed as I wept over my discovery. To someone else it was just a broken piece of nothing but to me it was a broken piece of me.

There was a story behind it and a sentimental meaning, once upon a time…………..

In my room, beneath my bed is where I once kept my “box of memories.” From movie tickets to Valentines Day cards and keepsakes gathered by the ocean. I cherished everything and I put the memories away in a place I felt they were safe.

One night, many years ago I had lost the love of my life. Beyond hurt and confused I began to toss out everything that meant something to me. With regret, I had thrown a special sand-dollar against the floor the porch. It shattered and afterwards I tried to find all the pieces but I never did.

Soon after I moved on and eventually forgot about it. Then I was reminded. Surprisingly this time, my reaction was unusual for a woman of my beliefs. I didn't care anymore.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. There is a time for everything and a time for acceptance. If you set something free then just let it go because if it comes back it will break your heart again. Just like the piece of that shell. It wasn't meant to make me smile. It hurt me and made me bleed. He was not my band-aid. He was the infection.

When I think of my lost love I think of “Last Call.” Not for alcohol but for love. There is a cut-off time for some things in life and it hurts me deeply to know there was a cut-off time for us. Not to mention the physical incision.

Whenever I read the time on a clock I remember the last time we were together. Regardless of how long I stand on this porch, I will always love him. His love was like a sweet shot to my soul and something as wonderful as that will intoxicate me for as long as I live.

I know he will never return but the broken shell has left a hidden memorial scar and no one will ever know but me. He promised his love would never change for me and it is a darkened memory I will toast to by myself. "Cheers with tears."

VISION OF PERFECTION

KImberly Morrow at Brew Brothers in Reno, NV

MY ANGEL, MY WINGS

It was the last time I would ever hold him close.

As my body pressed against his, he looked into my eyes and told me that he would love me always. A disturbing emotion ran through my body for I felt that he was already telling me goodbye, even before the thought crossed his mind.

Candles lit the room and memories were being created. We both took a sip of wine and gently kissed each other on the lips, tasting the sweet aftertaste of love.

“How would you make love to me? I asked him with a gentle look in my eyes. “Would it be like this?”

From that moment on, it was beyond fantasy, dream and reality. Without speaking we spoke and without thinking we reacted. Were we two fools in love or two genius’s that figured out the formula?

Our words were like forbidden vows, never inscribed onto parchment paper. Once I heard them, I lived by them and depended on them. Moments are like picture books that can never be destroyed. Not even under the hottest flame purposely lit by the most dangerous arsonist.

I knew I had always loved him. Every kiss was a seal and every touch was like a tattoo. Like an arachnid that stings their mate, I was stung with passion and helpless to his touch. I laid there willing and waiting to do anything he asked of me. After all, I loved him and I presumed he loved me.

The night became morning as I glanced over at his naked body sleeping next to mine. I kissed him gently on his shoulder and whispered, “I will always love you.” Being sensitive to the sixth sense my mother passed on to me, I knew it would be the last time we would ever be together. At least in this lifetime and perhaps in a few past lives that I may be unaware of.

A few tears ran down my cheek as I drifted off into a peaceful slumber.

Soon enough the alarm went off and that would be the last time I would ever see him. I never even heard his voice again. It was the most painful feeling anyone could feel.

Since then then, months have passed and days have lingered. Little does he know that when I last made love to him, I also gave him my wings. I don’t need to fly as long as I can love.

For I believe that we will meet again someday. Maybe it was the last time we slow danced or the last time I ran into his arms. No matter what the fate holds, there are signs that will lead me to where I need to go. I am his angel always and forever.

Centuries may pass like hard sand through a broken hourglass but nothing will ever change the way I feel for my lost spirit. After someone breaks your heart twice, then there is no choice but to give him your wings. You have already given them your heart so now it is time to give them what drew them to you in the first place.

No matter how much time passes there will always be a sunrise and a sunset. Whatever happens in between depends on the hard copied story. As far as an angel is concerned, everyone has a story that has been written before they even read it. Then it is up to the character chosen to improvise the ending.