BABY ANGEL

All little girls and little angels have dreams at some point in time.



Whether it's daydreaming or just wishful thinking both want their fairytale with the white picket fence.

However, this entry is about me tonight, this hour, this minute, this moment.



Sometimes I feel that I am living in a functional dream. I'm awake yet I'm still asleep pretending that all the illusional great things are truly happening.



Honestly, I know what love is and what love should be. Love is the most amazing feeling I have ever felt in my life and it has touched me in so many ways.



For instance, tonight. I literally took a walk in the freezing night, in the dark and without my glasses to my secret place where I retreat to think.



I use to go to the highest point in Billings, Montana to gather my thoughts but now that I am home again, I had to find my own place to go when I need to get away.



I admit that I am not perfect and that I have made mistakes and living with these regrets is like living with a permanent disease with no cure.



Yet I am still this baby angel, wanting, needing and praying for something to believe in. There is no pity in my book but a need for some compassion. That moment of sincere compassion would be paid back in full if only I had the opportunity to really spread my wings and love again.



I love life and life loves me back, but tonight my readers, I need to come clean. Here is my honesty and my heart for you to disect.



I have felt lost for the past few months and I emotionally sugar-coated my picture perfect smile with, "I am satisfied with this F*ck ed up Picasso painting of the ideal,anything."



Like plaid with stripes and stripes on a sickly zebra, my over -dramatic painting was drawn with washable Crayola crayons. Drawn, then posted, then washed away like a red wine spot in the latest Oxy clean commercial.




It's almost 2011 and I still have not found my stable ground. I am an over-achiever, yet under graduate of finding my fairytale. Like two swordsman in a jousting tournament, I am the only fighter till the end that gets stabbed, killed, then recognized for their honor. That is how I love then get hurt.



Problem is now? I am extremely tired and the wounds are taking longer to heal. No TLC could ever hide these scars or tattood impressions of what I use to believe in.



Amazingly, focusing on the cute baby angel picture you would think there would be some innocence to this entry.




Perhaps there is to some degree but that degree is comprable to limited cell phone minutes on a monthly plan. Basically there are no guarantees in love, life, money or ambition. This has been my rude awakening to "reality." For lack of a better term, " Welcome to my life."



So call me a "baby angel" if you must but I still have those immature visions of what "happy ever after," should be.

Never in my life did I for-see the pain that love could present.



Welcome to my truest BROKEN ANGELS> There is logic to my pain at this very moment.



When a baby angel is born with a true heart then their heart is always pure no matter how many heartaches they suffered.



Sadly the baby angel never gets to grow into the beautiful swan-like angel that they were profiled to be.

Gladly, the baby angel will remain the most symbolic angel of all angels.



The purest heart is like the interpenetrated soul of the unloved. Yet momentarily, the baby angel will always dream for their prince charming to come provide her with a blanket of "happy ever after."



Until that day may arrive, the baby angel will cry herself to sleep every night, waiting, dreaming and hoping that someone will finally hear her crying and then proceed to comfort her.



After the trust is established then the baby no longer cries and grows instantly into the next broken angel.

Every angel is a broken angel because they are not meant to have "happy-ever-afters."



If that were the case then there would be no need for any angels and then that would compromise all mankind who has ever had the courage to tell someone, "I Love You." AND truly mean it