No Mercy

There is always a period of calmness after any storm. The rain suddenly stops, the wind becomes a gentle breeze and there is a small ray of light that peaks through the clouds.

If only life could be a similar forecast. No matter how many tears may fall, no matter how much a heart hurts, or no matter how much emotional effort is put into something, life shows no mercy. Futuristic hopes collide with the disappointments from the past. Dreams are shattered pieces of symbolic moments and broken promises. Darkness fills the empty holes of everything you once believed in. Reality salutes fantasy and there is nothing more to look forward to.

Life is full of obstacles and there are many roadblocks. Warning signs are not legible until it is too late. Whether it is a friend, family member or loved one that let you down, it still hurts the same. It is an in-describable feeling that burns through every layer of your heart. It smells like burnt skin that has been singed over an open fire. It leaves a sick feeling in your stomach a taste of fresh vomit in your mouth.

As I sit here in my hotel room I am filled with so many different emotions. Some are happy and some are excruciatingly painful. My eyes long to cry but no tears will fall. The unbearable ache inside of me is present but there is nothing visible on the outside. Tomorrow I have to depart from my happy place to try and conquer a former happy place. I have high hopes that both places will somehow merge. This journey has left me desperate for stability. I long for a peaceful surrender and soft-spoken amendments that could salvage what is on the verge of being permanently destroyed.

SO................................................

Tonight I will pray. Not just for myself but for those who have betrayed my trust. During my 35 years of living, I have loved and I have lost. I have lived and I will die someday. Whatever happens in between is up to God. Silence weeps as I pick up the pieces of my past. As much as I want to remain here, I understand that I have to go. However, I plan to return or have what I left return to me. Life is a double-edged sword and I will not let my life-line be cut at both ends. Life may show no mercy but I will show life no prisoners. I have been held captive by circumstance for many years and I am no longer a prisoner. I am no longer chained to a stone-cold rock and life is no longer my burden........

BREAKING FREE

My visions are not an illusion. They are a reality that has been unwrapped by a truthful entity. The weight of immortality and the suction of the life that has been drained drop by drop from my body. Don't tell me I am over-reacting. Shut up and tell me what I want to hear if even for a moment. I am at your mercy although I do not long for forgiveness. My flesh feeds upon your touch and your touch feeds my insecurities, one helpless breath at a time. Like a baby's mouth to a mothers breast, I needed you to supply me with food. A love that was high in calories and a bond that was unbreakable. Yet here I am. Powerless to the memory but strengthened by the thought. I still carry the permanent tattoo of your chains but they are only skin-deep ink. My heart has had a quadruple-by-pass since you broke it and now it has a bullet-proof force field. The secret password to enter is "never-again. Trust has been revoked." Piranha's are going to attack your amends like a a great white shark to it's helpless victim floating in the deep blue sea. Access has been denied. Intruder!!!

Love fills me and hate disgusts me. You blind fool! You cannot ask me for heaven then reveal your devilish antics. Through the wind storms and the rainfalls, I WAS YOUR UMBRELLA. Now, I am your darkest cloud. When the thunder roars you should cover your ears and when the hail falls you should find your helmet of shame.

LIES and deceit have been your source of survival like a fictional persona'. A picture speaks a thousand words but a false introduction spoke a million past-patterns.

blasphemy!!!

No longer do I dwell on disappointments or let-downs. Life has not forsaken me you were just a paper-doll version of a real man. Like father like son, like coward like lion. There is no justification for your actions......be a man, be a father, be something equivalent to what you claim to be for you cannot hide behind your good name forever. When the day of judgment arrives the files of your past will be requested. The taxes of hurting people will be due and the receipts will more than likely be shredded. Yet somehow the paperless words will be accounted for on a recorded history of past-patterns and mental abductions. Someday you will owe a written amount for Karma, and you will be forced into bankruptcy. Your credit score will be forever affected perhaps like the innocent souls you purposely sucked dry.

If the judge of un-seen righteousness would allow me to dig my nails into your flesh I would. Pinning you against the earth would be my deepest pleasure. For you would be at "MY" mercy asking for a hun-dreth chance to prove the goodness of your pathetic existence.

My teeth have finally bitten through the chains. My orthadonist has done wonders. As I spit out the tiny pieces of the fragmented metal, I spit on you. HOW could you hurt someone this way? How could you leave someone in the wilderness to fend for themselves. YOU BASTARD. You swallowed the key and expected me to be Whodini and magically find my way out of your Bermuda triangle of bullshit!!! Amazingly, I managed. As the chains slid off my body I felt like a butterfly from her cocoon. I yelled at the top of my lungs. "I am Free and f*ck you!!!' The Indian burns hurt but were a pleasurable scar that burned with a heroic sensation.

Breaking free from what seemed to be a hopeless scenario was a timely process but eventually it happened. I was no man's prisoner and no man is my keeper. Believing in myself was the key to moving forward. Love is not a ball and chain. The only ball is the one you choose to attend with a decoy prince charming. The chain is the rope that strangles your better judgment. Once I realized the constant friction of the fragmented silvers' rubbing against me, I suddenly realized the red marks that were left imprinted in my skin. Ouch!!!! I was no longer in search of a "matter of life and death" absolution. I was to the point of "breaking free." Once I was able to fly away, the weather somehow became clear the rain suddenly stopped falling...FOR love is not a conflict of interest. It is obviously a battle between the good and bad,angels and demons and right and wrong. Life is on a, "need to know basis," and I have found history's lost journals of all I need to know....

A Daughters Cry

A fathers love for his daughter is unconditional. From the moment of birth there should be an ultimate bond that lasts a lifetime. However, every relationship is different. After thirty-five years, I have no other choice but to accept the truth. The truth that stung me like a bee, leaving an open wound that may never heal. Reality can be cruel and often painful. The five stages of grief will set in and strip everything that has been sugar-coated with deception. 1. Denial 2. anger 3. bargaining 4. depression 5. acceptance. The first four stages are the most difficult to surpass because there is no exact science to overcoming the inevitable. Healing takes time and time never stops. Manipulating the outcome is impossible although there have been many attempts on my end. I could be president of the United States, the top contestant on Jeopardy, or even Mother Theresa herself and in my fathers eye's that still wouldn't make the grade. It doesn't matter what I do and how I do it. Nothing will ever be good enough to keep my father's limited attention span on the positive nature of my existence. I'm a grown woman who understands how the world works and has been through more than the average bear. It isn't about receiving pity because in the end, only memories matter. I'm stronger and hardened, beyond wise with a lowered tolerance for habitual cruelty. If I come across as 'bitchy,' it's only because I am protecting my territory. That would be my heart. For those who have trespassed into my personal life, well that isn't my problem. Don't presume that everything you hear is true. I can guarantee that the stories have been altered and are in-accurate. No worries though because I'm in the process of writing the 'sequel.' My father had every right to re-marry and I was never against it. I am the most loving and good-hearted person you will ever meet except to those who are too busy judging me. The matter of the fact is that my father has written off his only blood child along with alienating my other two siblings,(according to a few reliable sources). Yet anything is repairable with hard work and commitment. Only death is permanent. Love is something pure and not something that is manufactured in a facility that processes brownie points. "I am not a girl scout!" I am someone's daughter. NOT ONCE did I ever make myself out to be perfect or flawless. I only make myself out to be the person that I truly am. Take it for what it's worth. Being disrespected is something I will not tolerate anymore. I demand to be respected. Respect is something earned and I have surpassed my sobriety point. Sadly, my voice will never be heard no matter how loud I scream or how high the volume is on my singing. It is a lost cause that can never be repaid. It is obvious that my father goes out of his way for his new adopted family even more so than he would for his divorced one. My stepmother told me to get therapy, however the suggestion is a pot calling a kettle black. Wait a gosh-darn stinkin' minute..."this dam blog is my therapy. I am a writer and dam good one." If people would just learn to shut their traps and listen to reason then maybe there wouldn't be this constant family feud. I was told that I almost ruined a child's life and that I abandoned my children. How absurd, rude and untrue. Like any person pinned in a corner, I retaliated with anger after being attacked from all angles. I am only human and handled what needed to be dealt with in the maturist manner possible. First and foremost. I am not someone to mess with because I have learned to take a stand for myself. Don't come at me with an attitude because mine is far more lethal but with a unique flare. I do believe in karma and that is why I am where I am now taking on the world one asshole at a time. If you put yourself there then I suggest you make amends and soon dammit! Putting people in their place and making them realize why they are there is going to be a challenge in itself. But for those who truly know me? knows I will get er' done. This blog is not some dramatic script from the Titanic, although I love that freakin' movie!!! It's the God awful truth I am writing and I am exercising my freedom of speech. If my father would only open his eyes, ears and heart, then maybe he would realize that his only daughter is not being difficult. His daughter is in desperate need of re-assurance for any form of love. It isn't a plea for justice, it's a daughter's cry for any sign of hope, that someday there will be an understanding of some sort, before it's too late. As God as my witness, the truth will be revealed-perhaps sooner than expected.