DETERMINED ANGEL

It was around the first week in April 2010 when I decided to make a major change in my life. I was currently living in Powell, Wyoming.

It during the middle of my semester in college and I was involved in a wonderful relationship. Everything in my life seemed to be falling into place, that is until something tragic happened in my family. There was an agreement that was broken and it triggered something within me. A feeling of determination beyond explanation.

From that moment on I knew I had to get back home and quickly. With the support of my former boyfriend I began to make arrangements. There were many obstacles to overcome and somehow I did manage to tackle the impossible. I picked April 23rd as my moving date.

My main obstacle one was a financial one. Saving up to move was not an easy task and I only had 2 weeks. The pressure was on. The total cost of my move would be over $2500 not including my bills that I still needed to maintain. I saved change, cleaned houses and did bachelor parties. The bachelor parties were harmless and actually a lot of fun. Little did I know that some people would attempt to use that against me in the future. As far as I'm concerned, they only know what they think they know.

So for two weeks I was on the go day in and day out. Nothing was going to stop me from getting home. Sure enough, I saved enough money and down to the last few days. A feeling of gratification came over me as I paid for my moving truck and made the final arrangements.

Although the two weeks flew by, no one will ever really know what I had to go through. There were nights when my former BF would just console me as I cried to him on the phone for hours. There were days I wanted to just give up and not get out of bed. But I had to keep on, keeping on. I also had to suck up the $400 dollar rent for a two week stay on my friends couch.

The morning of April 23rd was an exciting yet stressful day for me. While arriving at the airport to pick up my former BF, I stopped at one of my favorite places to think. It was the RIMS in Billings Montana. This would be the last time I would come to this place alone. Now there were new adventures in store for me.

To make a long story short, I picked up my BF and we had the most wonderful night together before our grand voyage across several states the next morning. It was the longest 18 hours I have ever traveled. A few hours before reaching my destination, I remember this annoying tapping sound on the top of the truck. We never did figure out what it was even after we pulled over a few times on the side of the freeway. To be honest, I think it was my mother getting our attention and she did. She had passed away in 2006.

Sad to say, within a few weeks me and the love of my life had broke up. It was hard because I had just made a major move and was still feeling the after-affects of all the stress. I was devastated but had to focus. I admit that I stayed in bed for a few days crying my eyes out but then I was fine. I had no choice because there were many things I still had to get done.

Now in the present, I am currently working a few part-time jobs as a cocktail waitress and a writer. Nothing has been handed to me. I have worked and saved, saved and worked. As far as the 'tragic event' that persuaded me to come home, that is still being dealt with. It is a shame how some people can be but at the same time it makes me realize the better person that I am.

Believe me, I am not some superwoman. I'm just fortunate enough to have friends and family that support me and love me. This true story goes to show that any goal is attainable. With integrity, ambition and perseverance any dream is possible. I'm a witness to all of this.

I live each day to the fullest in spite of the negative issues that occur. I do not consider this blog as a feature reading for I am sure there are many more stories to come. It is until that time when I can consolidate them all and then present my masterpiece to those who are dying to know what is has really happened in my life.

To be continued for those who live in the woodwork and are waiting to come out.

KISS OF THE DEADLY ANGEL

Like cyanide in a syringe, you injected your deadly sperm into my bloodline. I was doomed.

Wanting to flee you captured me with your wings and held me close. There was a fearful temptation that entered me but at the same time I wanted you and I had you.

There were so many consequences. You were the dark leader and I was your prey. Like a black widow to her mate, you were out to kill me one deadly kiss at a time.

Love had forsaken me when I realized what you were capable of. Evil filled your soul and I tried to save you while you took me down to your forbidden hell.

It was all a plan and a blueprint you bastard. You planned it all from day one and you knew that you would leave me again, again and again.

There is no pity when it comes to your existence. You take, take, take and suck the life out of every person that ever loved you. Like a Boa constrictor you squeezed the life out of me. Like a Python you were out to hunt me.

But that is okay because I am darker than you. I wait while you plot and I plot after you strike. Like a snake under rock I am your Black Widow in the garage, hiding in that corner until you reach for something you want. BITE, you are now my victim. Fall asleep after I inject you with your own venom.

Every angel encounters a love that she must die, fight or kill for. There is always forgiveness on her part if she defends her heart. Like nature, it is all meant to happen to keep the circle of love flowing.

So, tonight as I weep and pray for hell on your pathetic heaven, I will inject my spirit into you. Every breath you take will be your last if you don’t plead for forgiveness. Every thought you think will remind you of all the wrong you have done to me. Every night could be your last. Pray that your dark angel will let you live for your evil doings.

Pray that the dark kiss you gave your white angel will let you turn back the hands of time.

Remember that I am the angel that you claimed to love. Like a fish in a lake, you are never off the hook. May it be a decade or a lifetime. Your deadly kiss is the kiss that weakened my compassion. After the compassion has diminished then so has the lifeline that you need to carry on your plague. Perhaps, I was your last victim caught in your web.

DEAD LETTER

The forces that brought us together are undeniable.

Like words to a poet, your love flowed through me like endless sonnets. Your spirit connected to my spirit like ink to paper and air to breath. An unexplainable feeling that soon died like a buck to a bullet. Shot directly in the chest with no vital signs. It was a painful death.

Your memories crawl on my skin like leeches long for blood. I held on to everything that once meant something. Now like a body in a grave I can smell the rotten stench of your scent, see the blind look in your eyes and feel the empty touch of your hand. Something was nothing and that is all you left me with. Nothing.

Your words were engraved in my mind and now there are like a cheap souvenir purchased at the last minute on an overdue vacation.

A flawless wrapping only to uncover a tainted purpose. I sketched everything that I believed you were. Beautiful colors blended onto a perfect tapestry. Yet you were only watered down finger-paints on a dirty canvas.

Like a letter with no return address, I can't send for my heart. I hope you are happy with it for I'm sure it will only add to your collection.

To me, you are a dead letter. You cannot be returned or delivered. Disbursed imitated compassion, that was sealed with a deadly kiss. A dark fairytale with a dark ending.

Have you hid the knife that you stabbed me with? My back still bleeds and the wound is fresh. Your existence is like salt and burns my flesh minute after minute.

Someday you will long for love and all that you threw away. By then it will be completely disintegrated and all that will remain is dust.

Perhaps the mailman who has forwarded your mail will be willing to give you directions to the grave that you volunteered to dig. Then you can kneel at your magnificent artwork. Your architecture is everything that you wanted it to be. Was this your vision?

If it wasn't then you would have not approved the blueprints of your own structure. Like the pyramids in Egypt, you are my new eighth wonder.

~SACRED CONFESSIONS~

Thoughts are confidential only until someone speaks them.

It was almost as if I knew it would be our final hours as we lay there in bed, body to body, soul to soul.

Like magnets attracted to non-ferro metal, we were inseparable. His spirit literally entered me the moment our eyes first met and it destined us to be together or so I believed.

His words were like a dragon's flame that burned down the walls to my dark fortress. I did not want to let anyone in, but yet there he was. Standing before me like a knight who was determined to rescue me. I became too comfortable.

Every moment became a certainty and every kiss sealed our fate. At last I had been united with the other half of my heart.....

That is, until a powerful force destroyed what I thought to be invincible. It was a very sad and dreadful day. Our love was on life-support as the countdown began. Like sand sifting through an hourglass, that was the time we had left together. I prayed for a miracle but there was no hope as every breath became more shallow and more weaker.

We were like two life-less bodies that vampires had sucked dry. There would be no eternal life, just an eternity of mourning and suffering. Torn apart, limb by limb, as we were dragged away in opposite directions. All that remained was a trail of blood, tears and broken dreams.

Like ashes in the earth, I buried him. My tears soiled his empty grave for there was no body, just a picture perfect memory. My last vision of him as I embraced him on our last night together.

It's almost like another time and another place yet there are times when I can still feel his pulse. It's almost like his heart is still beating with mine.

My soul is like a diary that often reveals it's most sacred confessions. When the night-time falls, the story begins again, that is until the sun rises. For true love cannot be forced out like an exorcism to an evil demon. True love still generates even when the prime source appears dormant much like an active volcano. If destiny has a truth, then the story is incomplete until the final eruption.

A tree stump may appear dead, but beneath the dirt the roots are still alive. One day when the time it right, the tree will begin to re-grow as if it were never destroyed. It is unfortunate until that day arrives the two lovers must be lonely for however long necessary. Regardless of how much love is planted, the plan must run it's course. Although the two hearts may long for each other, it's all in due time and time never stops.